There's No Place like Home
by Redpanda14
Summary: Co-written with blucougar57: Jack awakens to find himself in a strange land named Oz after being taken by the Rift. Is it all a dream? Or something far worse. This contains aspects of Gwen-bashing, don't like, don't read. Crack!fic, Eventual Janto
1. Follow the Yellow Brick Road

A/N: _This story does contain some aspects of Gwen-bashing. But more so, It is a Crack!fic in which I'm co-writing with blucougar57. The muse got very strange idea's the other night about what would happen if Jack woke up in the land of Oz. It is also a Doctor Who/Torchwood crossover, but not in the world we know it. Don't like, don't read. Flames will be ignored. Besides that, enjoy. _

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Colours. Bright, lurid colours, and sunlight that threatened to blind him through the glass of the SUV's windshield. Those were the first things that registered in Jack Harkness's mind as he slowly came back to awareness.

He blinked dazedly, struggling to overcome the sluggishness that tried to drag him back down into unconsciousness. As tempting as it was, he suspected it was high time that he woke up and tried to work out what had happened.

The last thing he remembered was driving through night-time Cardiff at an exceptionally high speed, anxious to get to Ianto and Gwen, who were apparently facing off against an alien of unknown origins. It was supposed to have been a simple diplomatic mission, but of course Gwen had royally fucked it up. He was going to be smacking himself up-side the head for the next week, trying to work out why he had thought it would be a good idea to send her.

Stupid, he thought sourly. It was just one more stupid idea in a long line of stupid ideas since that very first stupid idea that had resulted in him hiring the silly twit. If only he hadn't messed up that dosage of retcon....

He blinked again, and finally looked beyond the tinted windshield glass, to his surroundings. And froze in disbelief and horror.

Outside there were at least three dozen tiny houses surrounded by unimaginable flowers and plants of all shapes, colours and sizes. Birds chirped sweetly in the warm sunlight as Jack finally decided to go outside the SUV and walk through the town.

Jack tried to take in everything as much as he could, but it was too amazing, too beautiful for even him to complain about. Everything seemed so at peace. The sky was a brilliant blue almost in harmony with the small green roofs of the tiny houses that filled the town.

"I have a feeling I'm not on Earth anymore," Jack said to himself.

The alien plants spiralled up into the sky in such elegance. In the middle of the town was a dazzling blue lake filled with giant lily-pads and strange frogs with three eyes.

A sudden growl got Jack's attention. He looked around in the direction it came from, but only a giant daffodil bush stood. Brushing it aside, Jack came to the conclusion that he was somewhere in the Rift. It was the only logical explanation.

At that moment, a strange humming sound filled the air, almost magical. Jack glanced up into the sky to see an overly large bubble floating in his direction. Disturbed, he slowly began to back away, thinking that the bubble might attack him. Instead, it hovered a few feet in front of him and slowly got bigger and brighter until finally fading to reveal the voluptuous figure of Donna.

"Donna!?" Jack said, stunned, as he gaped at her. She was dressed in a pink ball gown that clashed rather painfully with her ginger hair. In her hand was long staff with a large silver star attached to the end. Now he was positive he was dreaming.

"Yes, it is I. Donna, Good Witch of the North," she replied musically.

"Yeah, right," Jack muttered to himself, still not believing what he was seeing.

Donna overheard him and was clearly not amused, but let it pass. That time.

"Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?" Donna asked ever so politely.

Jack gave her a strange look.

"Do I look like a witch to you?" he asked incredulously. "I mean, come on! Look at this face! Does this look like the face of an ugly witch to you?"

"Oi! No need to get mouthy with me, you dumbo!"

She slammed the bottom of her staff into Jack's foot, causing him to bellow in pain.

"That hurt," he whined, hopping up and down while he clutched at his injured foot.

"Good, it was meant to. Now answer the question. And no smart business, I'm on a schedule here," Donna pointed out.

"No, I'm neither," Jack grumped, although he couldn't help but notice the hint of a smile on Donna's face.

"Well, that's strange. Because the Weevils told me a new witch just dropped an SUV on the Wicked Witch of the East. There's the SUV," she said pointing to it on the other side of the lake, "and here you are, and that's all that's left of the Wicked Witch of the East."

Jack turned to look where she was pointing, and yelped again in a very unmanly manner. Squashed below the tyres of the SUV were the somewhat gruesome remains of what Jack thought was rather ugly man in a long, black witch's dress. He couldn't see much, but his imagination more than made up for what he couldn't see. What was clearly visible, though, was the one arm sticking out from beneath the half-crumpled vehicle, and clutched in the hand was just about the cutest little soft toy that Jack had ever seen.

"Uh... What's that?" he asked tentatively.

"That is the witch's muse," Donna informed him. "It is with that magical toy that the witch devised many of his most wicked and nefarious plots..."

"Nefarious?" Jack echoed, only to yelp again when she whacked him over the head with her wand.

"Shut up, fly boy. I'm talking here."

Jack grimaced and rubbed his head gingerly, but wisely kept his yap shut. Satisfied that he'd finally gotten the hint, Donna continued with her explanation.

"As I was saying, that is the Witch of the East's magical muse. Now that the witch is dead, the muse no longer holds any power in this land, and its people have finally been freed from slavery. Come, Jack. They'd like to meet you."

Trepidation on his face, Jack followed Donna down a few steps onto an area that wasn't unlike the Plass back home. If you ignored the fact that there was no water tower sculpture, no paving stone with a perception filter, and that he was surrounded by luridly bright colours, overly large flora and the fauna...

Jack shrieked like a little girl, and hid behind Donna as weevils in their multitude emerged into sight from all manner of hiding places. Weevils that were wearing brightly coloured overalls...?

He poked his head out from behind Donna's overly frilly dress, only to try and hide again as one of the weevils crept forward. His efforts to stay hidden were stymied, though, when Donna suddenly grabbed him by the ear and dragged him around into full view.

"Ouch!" Jack whined. "Ow ow ow!"

"Quit behaving like a bloody big baby," Donna snapped, "and pay attention!"

Cringing, Jack rubbed at his ear and nervously faced the approaching creature.

"We thank you so much for releasing us from the power of the horrible Witch of the East," the weevil spoke in a voice that was almost too growly to understand. "Who knows who else might have died if the Witch's reign of terror had continued?"

"And for doing it so neatly as well," spoke another weevil sarcastically.

Raising her staff up into the sky, Donna finally gave the signal for the news to be spread.

"Let the joyous news be spread, the Wicked old Witch at last is dead!"

With that, all the Weevils cheered together, finally being free of the notorious Witch. Placing Jack on a giant dragonfly, they began to parade around the city in song.

"Ding, Dong the Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding, Dong the Wicked Witch is dead!"

After that, Jack tuned out. This was seriously starting to freak him out. Then again, who wouldn't freak out seeing a whole lot of weevils sing and dance? Well, anyone except Gwen, of course.

Hopping off the weird alien dragonfly at the behest of the weevils, Jack reluctantly allowed himself to be led over to the town hall. Following him were hundreds of weevils, all smiling and baring disturbingly sharp teeth. He stopped dead, though, as he approached the entrance of the town hall.

Emerging through the arched doors, much to Jack's confusion, was Martha. No way, it couldn't be, he thought. Taking a closer look, he quickly came to the conclusion that he wasn't dreaming at all. He was, he decided, completely delusional, and most likely severely concussed. Martha Jones had shrunk to four feet tall.

Standing right in front of Jack, she began to thank him.

"As Mayor of the Weevil City, and in the county of the land of OZ, I welcome you with great honour and respect."

"Uh... Thank you... I think... But there's something that's confusing me," Jack stammered. _Yeah_, he thought wryly. _That's the biggest understatement of my life, and that's saying a hell of a lot._

"Yes?" Martha said, but Jack was trying his best to contain himself at the sight of miniaturized Martha. Thankfully... or maybe not so thankfully... one of the weevils found its way through the crowd with blood all over its face.

"I thoroughly... _examined_ the Witch. And I can officially pronounce the witch dead,"

Jack raised his eyebrows at the weevil.

"You ate the Witch didn't you?"

"Your point? I was doing the world a favour, okay?"

Jack backed off, hands raised defensively, when the weevil started growling at him. Stepping aside, Jack let Martha passed him as she stood at the bottom of the town halls steps.

"This is a day of Independence," Martha begun to speak to all the weevils, "For all the weevils and their descendants. Now let it be said, the wicked old witch at last is dead!"

With that, the weevils all broke out into happiness once more at finally being free of the monster that had caused their lives – and many others – to be such a misery.

The Weevils danced in the streets and sung their hearts out, which caused Jack's eardrums to almost burst. They weren't the best singers in the universe, but also, not the worst either.

Slowly navigating himself through the weevils, Jack finally got back to Donna when all of a sudden a flash of red smoke erupted from somewhere in the middle of the weevils. From the smoke stood the thing that had haunted Jack's nightmares for oh, so long. It was Gwen.

Cackling like the Witch that he'd always suspected her to be, the weevils fled in fear in terror. Then again, he supposed, who wouldn't?

Her clothing suited her personality; a dark black cloak with a black pointed witch's hat. Jack only barely prevented himself from exploding with hysterical laughter, though, when he saw her hideous green face. But when he thought of it, it was actually an improvement on her normal appearance.

Stalking her way around the town square, Gwen's eyes finally caught the sight of Jack's SUV. And what lay squashed and partially eaten underneath.

"I thought you said I killed the Witch?" Jack panicked trying to keep his voice low.

"You did, but that's the Wicked Witch of the West. And she's worse than the other one," Donna said, not impressed with Jack's stupidity.

Taking one glance at the crumpled arm, Gwen turned around to where Jack and Donna were standing.

"How dare you kill the Witch of the East! Do you not understand, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be who I am today," Gwen snarled, her face going a dark green, and filling with evil hatred.

Jack couldn't help himself. He allowed himself the leisure of a classic Ianto eye-roll.

Typical, even in a foreign alien land, surrounded by weevils and with a dead body, all Gwen could think about was herself.

"It was an accident. It's not like I wanted to get sucked up by the rift, land here, to have to put up you whinging. I have much better things to do with my time." Turning to Donna, Jack quietly whispered in her ear. "Look, do you know where I can get some coffee around here?"

He yelped yet again as he was once again clobbered over the head by Donna's staff.

"You've got one of the worst enemies from Oz staring you in the face, and all you can think about is coffee?" Donna gave Jack a wide eyed look clearly not impressed.

Gwen stormed directly over to Jack. Since she was Gwen, naturally she had a very special and unique bond with Jack, so there was no need to go off-topic. Instead, she got straight to the point.

"Now listen to me, my pretty, you're not the only one that can cause accidents. I have very special and magical powers that you cannot begin to understand," Gwen cackled again, but this time with a pig snort added in for Jack's amusement.

"Aren't you forgetting the magical muse?" Donna asked politely with a grin.

"Of course. How could I forget," Gwen turned around and strode back to the SUV, making sure that each hag-step she took was exactly one second apart. As she reached down to collect the soft toy, though, it vanished, and the arm curled up grotesquely under the car to disappear forever.

With one giant gasp, Gwen collapsed to her knees as she began to crawl under the SUV to find the toy, to only get a sudden stream of oil in her face.

"Jack! Don't just stand there. Do something!" Gwen pleaded as her head slammed up on the underside of the SUV.

He didn't move an inch.

Collecting her strength, Gwen finally managed to escape, but she was thoroughly now pissed. It was a state that never failed to amuse Jack.

"It's gone! Where did you put it? Give it back to me now or I'll..."

Donna cut her off unconcernedly.

"Well, if you weren't a blinkered, repulsive old bat, you would have noticed that Jack has it in his hands," Donna sniped back.

Looking down, Jack gaped in shock as he realised she was telling the truth. Somehow, the extremely cute stuffed toy had managed to appear in Jack's hands. Giving it a squeeze, Jack pressed it up close to his chest and started making adorable baby noises to it.

"Give it back to me, now!" Gwen demanded again.

Jack ignored her and continued playing with his new stuffed toy. He finally decided to name it Coco; it was Jack's second favourite thing after Ianto's coffee and the pleasures he willingly brought with it.

Gwen tried again, and used her best seductive charm on the Captain.

"Jack, sweetheart, give me the nice toy, and then you can have me all to yourself, just like you've always wanted!"

Jack just gave her a smug look, and said only one thing.

"Mine."

"That's the way!" Donna said, giving Jack an approving nudge. "Now be gone, cauldron head, you have no power here. Away with you, foul beast."

Gwen ripped at her hair and gave an annoyed fan girl-like squeal.

"Fine, but I'm warning you," she snarled, getting right in Jack's face. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little toy, too."

Jack gagged, and pinched his nose with his fingers in disgust.

"No offence, but have you heard of a breath mint?"

Gwen ignored Jack and elegantly turning around, she caught her foot on her cloak and tripped over, landing face first into the stone pavement. Getting up with as much dignity as she could muster, Gwen stood up and disappeared in a burst of flames.

All the weevils emerged slowly from their hiding place, whilst others picked themselves up off the ground.

"The smell of sulphur, it reminds me of Pompeii," Donna looked down to the ground, saddened. Jack placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a reassuring smile.

"The sooner you get out of Oz the better, and the safer you'll be," Donna told him, now feeling a bit better.

"I'd do anything to get out of this place," Jack answered without hesitation. "Which is the way back to Cardiff? I guess I can't get back the way I came."

Donna thought for a minute before answering excitedly. Jack could have sworn he could almost see the light bulb go on over her head.

"The one person who could get you back home is the great and wonderful Wizard of Oz himself. Mysterious, yes. Weird, definitely. But helpful, almost certainly."

"Great," Jack seemed pleased. "Where can I find this Wizard?"

"In the Emerald City," Donna said pointing way over the horizon. Jack tried to follow her line of sight, but he could see nothing but a tiny peak in the distance. "Now whatever you do, do not let magical muse out of your sight, or the wicked witch will show no mercy to you."

Jack grimaced. Of that he had no doubt whatsoever.

"One problem... How do I get there?" Jack asked.

"It's always best to start at the beginning I suppose. So what you need to do is follow the yellow brick road." Donna pointed out the yellow brick spiral that began only meters away from them.

The weevils watched and stared as Jack moved to the start of the yellow brick road, which was almost hypnotic. A thought just hit Jack.

"What happens if I get lost?"

Donna just rolled her eyes. "I told you, just follow the yellow brick road, you dumbo!"

And with that, a light began to surround Donna in the shape of a bubble. In seconds, she was floating away into the distance.

"Great, this is just what I needed. No coffee, Gwen on my trail, and I'm stuck in the middle of Weevil Central trying to find the wonderful Wizard of Oz." Jack complained to himself.

Taking Donna's last words into account, Jack turned back to the yellow brick road.

"Follow the yellow brick road..." he thought over in his head again and again as he began to walk.

Martha stopped right in front of him and repeated what he already knew.

"Follow the yellow brick road."

He had only managed to get a few more steps ahead when one of the weevils stopped him and said the same thing again.

"Follow the yellow brick road."

Another step and another stupid Weevil with it.

"Follow..."

"I get the point!!"

Jack was irritated now. Thankfully, they were quick learners, and backed off to leave him to follow the road without interruption.

Jack went round and round the spiral as the weevils began chanting the same damn thing. Because running was clearly out of the question, Jack began to skip, Coco dangling merrily by one of its arms in his hand.

Finally leaving the Weevil's City's boundaries, Jack skipped off into the distance with Coco in hand, off to see the Wizard and hopefully get back home to his own personal and _familiar_ brand of weird.

_To be continued..._


	2. Straw & Corn

A/N: _Again, thank you to blucougar57 for co-writing this me. I can't believe how much response this story got just fo the first chapter alone. This chapter is not as long, but hopefully it is enjoyed as much as before. Enjoy_

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There were flowers everywhere. Trees, flora of all sorts didn't merely dot the landscape. It fucking _covered_ it, for as far as the eye could see. Jack was starting to think that maybe he'd finally gone insane. It wouldn't have surprised him, at any rate. Still, if he really had finally gone round the bend, he supposed there were worse places his poor, fragile mind could have taken him.

At least this place was in technicolour. Lurid, almost blinding technicolour, but technicolour all the same. And, on the bright side, he'd left the merry land of the weevils far behind him, along with their bizarre musical chorus. He couldn't help but wonder if this was where the weevils had originated from, before being dumped on Earth by the rift. If that was so, he could understand why they were all so damned irritable.

Going from wearing brightly coloured overalls and living in cute, mushroomy houses to ugly, fashion-deprived jumpsuits and living in the sewers would piss off anyone.

Jack had no idea how far he'd gone, or how long he'd skipped along for. It never occurred to him to use the handy pedometer function that his vortex manipulator had suddenly acquired – something that he would later blame on the trauma of being confronted by Wicked Witch Gwen. That had been a sight to screw with the most stable person's mind.

Although, he had to admit that green was definitely her colour, and if he ever got home he was definitely going to track down that 42nd century paint-ball gun that came through the rift a few years back, and paint her face a lovely snotty green. He briefly contemplated colouring Ianto red, but just as quickly dismissed that idea. Ianto wouldn't appreciate it, and it would clash horribly with that sexy pink shirt of his.

Jack's skipping slowed to a walk, and Coco dangled limply from his hand as he realised he'd come past the seemingly endless array of flowers, and into what looked like a cornfield. A really big cornfield that seemed to go on and on and on and on…

"Where the hell am I now?" he asked Coco. The toy didn't reply because, well… it was just a toy. Jack huffed in annoyance. "Fat lot of good you are."

Coco stared up at him with big, black soulful eyes, and Jack's heart melted. He cuddled the toy to his chest, and crooned to it.

"How can I stay mad at you? You're just too cute, aren't you? Yes, you are!"

"You do realise that talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity?"

Jack spun around, eyes wide, half-expecting to see the witch. No one was there, except a dopey looking scarecrow in the nearby cornfield.

"Who said that?"

No one replied. Shaking his head, Jack returned his attention to Coco, and the new problem at hand, which was the fact that the Yellow Brick Road branched off into three completely different directions.

"Well, where do we go now, Coco? Donna didn't tell us what to do if we came to a fork in the road. Which way do you think we should go, hmm?"

"Oh, yeah. Definite signs of madness there."

Jack turned swiftly, but again there was no one in sight but for the scarecrow. He approached it slowly, suspicion on his face.

"Did you say something?"

The scarecrow huffed. Loudly.

"Yes, I said something. Took you long enough to figure it out. About bloody time you came along, too. Do you know how long I've been stuck here, on this pole?"

Jack's eyes glazed over slightly as he went briefly to his happy place.

"Oi!" the scarecrow shouted. "Snap out of it, come over here and get me off this thing!"

Blinking, Jack hurried over and looked for a way to to release the strange creature who looked and sounded an awful lot like Owen. He bent a large obviously-placed nail downwards, and on cue Owen-scarecrow slid off the pole and landed in a messy heap on the ground.

"Look at this," he grouched, grabbing straw up off the ground to stuff back into his shirt. "Always losing pieces of myself."

Jack shuddered. That was an image he didn't need. He decided to be polite, though, and tried to initiate some easy, but carefully-constructed banter.

"So… do you hang around here a lot?"

Owen-scarecrow stood up, and propped his hands on his hips with a scowl.

"I'm a bloody scarecrow. What do you think?"

"Uh… I don't know. What… What do you think?"

Jack was so far out of his depth by now that just about all ability to think rationally had completely shut down, and all he could do was gape. Then, as if things couldn't get any weirder, Owen-scarecrow flopped down in the middle of the road, and spoke mournfully.

"See, that's just it. I can't think. I haven't got a brain, have I? My head's all full of bloody straw!"

Jack choked back a rude comment about hanging around with freaks. A niggling feeling warned him it wouldn't be appreciated.

"How can you talk without a brain? Even in the 51st century, that's pretty much an impossibility."

"How the fuck do I know?" Owen-scarecrow bellowed his melancholy erupting into rage. "I told you, I haven't got a brain! Are you deaf, or just stupid?"

The straw infested man paused, sighing melodramatically, and his already astonishingly big mouth opened so wide that Jack thought for a second that he could see a black hole forming in there somewhere. Then, Jack recalled his musical encounter back in weevil country, and spoke up quickly, anxious to avoid a repeat performance. If nothing else, he knew damn well that Owen-scarecrow couldn't hold a tune to save his life or anyone else's.

"Whoa! You're not going to start singing, are you? Seriously, my ears are still bleeding from listening to the weevils signing about this bloody Yellow Brick Road."

Owen-scarecrow looked vaguely disappointed.

"Oh, you came from there, did you? Figures."

"Listen, I'm heading to the Emerald City. Apparently there's some great wizard there who can send me home. I guess you could come along, if you want. Who knows? Maybe he can give you a brain?"

"Don't drown me in enthusiasm," Owen-scarecrow snorted.

Jack scowled at his lack of gratitude.

"Do you want to come or not? No skin off my nose if you don't, and frankly, Coco doesn't like you."

Owen-scarecrow stared at him with a very wary look.

"Your stuffed toy doesn't like me?"

"He's very sensitive," Jack insisted. Owen-scarecrow shook his head.

"I'm throwing in with a nutter. Brilliant. What the hell, it's better than staying here. So, what do I call you, anyway?"

"Captain Jack Harkness," Jack answered. "And Coco."

"Right. I'm The Scarecrow, but you can call me Owen, because I'll be damned if I'm gonna be compared to some fruitcake out of a Batman comic."

"Okay," Jack agreed. "So, we're off to see the Wizard…"

Jack yelped as Owen's hand smacked him across the back of the head. That was happening all too frequently today.

"You wouldn't let me sing, so you can shut up too."

"Fine," Jack grumbled, rubbing his head. "Oh, by the way, you don't scare easily, do you? It's just, I've got this witch after me…"

"Which one? The one from the east, or the west?"

"The west. My SUV dropped on the one from the east, and squashed him flat. The witch of the north gave me his magical muse, and the witch of the west is after me to get it back."

Owen snorted.

"You've got Gwen after you, huh? You poor bastard. Once she fixates on something, she doesn't give up, and the men who spurn her suffer terrible fates."

"Really?" Jack asked, half curious and half worried. "How do you know?"

The question won him yet another smack across the head.

"Idiot. How do you think I ended up like this?"

"Oh…. Sorry."

"Yeah, you will be, if she catches you. C'mon. The Emerald City is this way."

Jack grinned and primed himself to start skipping again.

"Skip, and I'll stuff _you_ full of straw," Owen threatened. Pouting, Jack tucked Coco under his arm and continued on his way with his new companion.

_To be continued..._


	3. Of Coffee & Tin

A/N: _Sorry for this long well overdue update. Thank you to the lovely blucougar57 who I'm co-writing this with and all her insane ideas with it. The reason I haven't updated in a while is because I left my USB in a computer at school about a month ago, and It got stolen and never handed in. Which meant the next three chapters I'd written for this were taken, and I didn't have back ups. But no matter! I promise updates will be more frequent. Anyway, Enjoy. Reviews are always loved. _

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If there had been anyone around at the time, they might have wondered at the commotion coming from behind the old woodshed that stood on the other side of the orchard. No one was there, though, and so no one heard the loud crash, or the enraged shriek that followed. No one saw the Wicked Witch of the West emerge from behind the woodshed, picking twigs out of her hair and splinters out of her arse.

"Who the hell put that pile of wood there?" she shrieked. "I could have been killed!"

Yanking the last splinters out, she dusted herself off and took a good look around. She had been following Jack's progress ever since he left the Weevil city, and knew he'd collected that idiot scarecrow Owen along the way.

A slightly glazed look filled her overly-large eyes as she remembered the shags she'd gotten from him before she lost her temper and turned him into the brainless scarecrow. He'd been pretty good, she conceded, but now she lusted after something much better – something by the name of Jack Harkness.

She licked her lips at the thought of having him. Of course, once she got him away from everyone and everything, he would see her for the beauty that she really was, be utterly smitten by her and have him fall totally under her spell. It was a given, naturally. No man could resist her charm.

She just had to get that bloody toy away from him, so that he wouldn't have a hope of resisting her.

The sound of singing reached her ears, and she uttered a girly squeal – it was good practise for the sounds she'd make when Jack inevitably made love to her – and darted back behind the woodshed to wait for her target.

*

"Are we..."

"I swear, if you ask are we there yet one more time…"

Their bickering could be heard almost from one end of Oz to the other. Or, at least, from one end of the orchard to the other, and if anyone had been there to listen they probably would have smacked them both over the head.

Jack and Owen came over the rise, along the path that led them into an orchard. Neither one looked in the least bit happy – Owen was sulking and Jack was pouting. A more mismatched pair would have been hard to find. Still, they both conceded that their current company was far more preferable to the crazy green-faced cow on the broomstick who was after Jack's perky little arse – and not in a good way.

"I'm hungry," Jack stated suddenly.

Owen would have whapped him anyway, except for the fact that he suddenly realised they were in the middle of an orchard. An orchard that was absolutely full of trees. An orchard full of trees with lunch boxes hanging off them. Go figure.

"Fine," he said with exasperation, and motioned with one straw-stuffed arm towards the nearest tree. "You want food? Go get it."

Jack's eyes lit up, and he bounded over to the tree. In his state of ravenous hunger, it didn't occur to him to question the logic of a tree that grew lunch boxes. In fact, the only thought in his mind was picking one that had a tasty treat in it. Given what he'd been through already, he did _not_ want to be lumped with a boring sandwich, or pieces of fruit. He was so busy picking lunch boxes, peering inside and then tossing them away when their insides didn't yield the treats he wanted, that he never noticed the tree branch rise up over his head.

Watching from the yellow brick road, Owen saw what was happening, briefly considered shouting, and then decided not to bother. After all, he could always blame his lack of action on his lack of a brain.

One moment, Jack was peering gleefully into a lunch box that had yielded a bounty of cake and chocolate. The next he was resurrecting on the yellow brick road with Owen's smirking face above his own after being walloped by the tree whose lunch boxes he had been happily picking.

And didn't _that_ just sound wrong?

"Wha…?" Jack groaned, rubbing ruefully at his jaw. He couldn't help but gape when, a moment later, the tree made a rude gesture with its leafy branches.

"Next time, try asking!" it shouted. "Unless you'd like us to come along some time and pick something off you?"

Jack grimaced.

"No thanks. There are certain places where I _really_ don't like splinters."

"Thanks very much for that image," Owen snorted as he pulled Jack none-too-gently to his feet. "If I had a brain, I'd be bleaching it right now. Now c'mon. Grab one of those bloody lunch boxes, and let's get out of here. Hanging around in one place for too long will only give that bloody witch a chance to catch up with us."

Jack looked sceptically at Owen as he bent down to check the contents of his preferred lunch box. The cakes were a little crumbled, but still looked edible.

"She flies around on a broomstick, right? Somehow I don't think we're going to be able to outrun her on foot, even if you would agree to skipping."

Owen muttered something unflattering under his breath which Jack chose to ignore. He started up again, Coco clutched securely in one hand and his lunch in the other, when he spotted a glint of light through the conveniently non-sentient trees on the other side of the road. Curiosity got the better of him and, despite Owen's very vocal complaints, he went to investigate.

The glint of light turned out to be a reflection off the body of a tall man. A tall metal man, Jack reflected with renewed interest, who had a face just like that of a certain gorgeous Welshman – albeit a little more… _silver_. This metal man with Ianto's face stood in what Jack considered to be a classic pose, with what looked suspiciously like Jack's favourite coffee mug in his hand, and he appeared to be frozen solid.

"Owen!" Jack bellowed. "Come look at this!"

Owen appeared a moment later, and snorted derisively when he saw Jack's discovery.

"Trust you to find a pretty boy in the middle of nowhere… even one made out of metal."

Jack ignored him in favour of ogling said pretty boy. He made a show of giving the unfortunate soul a very thorough examination, particular underneath the rounded can of his chest. It was when he lingered perhaps a fraction too long, though, that Owen picked up a can that sat on a nearby log and belted Jack over the head with it.

"Hey!" Jack protested loudly. "I'm getting sick of people smacking me over the head!"

"Can't help it," Owen said with a shrug. "You're just begging for it, aren't you?"

Jack scowled and swiped the can from Owen's hand. Out of sheer curiosity, he sniffed experimentally at the contents of the can, and uttered a surprised noise.

"Coffee! It's not oil, it's coffee!"

"Yeah," Owen snorted. "Because oil in an oil can is just so cliché."

Ignoring the straw-stuffed man with no brain, Jack tucked Coco under his arm and slipped the tip of the can's spout into the corner of the metal man's mouth. He poured carefully, not taking the can away until that delectable looking mouth finally began to move.

"About bloody time," were the first words he spoke in a deep, breathy voice that took Jack's breath away. Owen, typically, was derisive.

"There's thanks for you."

"Shut up," Jack told him without his gaze leaving his newest object of interest. "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?" came the snarky reply. "I've been standing here for God knows how long, and you're too busy ogling my arse to put that bloody can to use! That's harassment, you know. If I could move, I'd be calling my agent to complain."

Jack was taken aback that Tin Ianto didn't immediately fall for his considerable charms, but dutifully oiled all of Ianto's rusty places with the can, squirting the precious coffee into every nook and cranny he could see – and some that he couldn't.

"Oi!" Ianto burst out, quickly side-stepping Jack. "_That_ is not rusty, thankyou very much!"

Jack leered at him.

"Can't be too careful."

"And that is _definitely_ harassment."

"So what's your story, then?" Owen asked, deciding he'd better intervene before he needed to bleach his eyeballs. "Did you piss off her Royal Greenness as well?"

Ianto coughed with exaggerated politeness and attempted to straighten his chest piece.

"She wanted me as her personal butler. Seemed to think I should be making coffee just for her, and nobody else. I told her no, thankyou… only not quite as politely as that. She said she was going to turn me into her own personal silver service set, and that then I'd have no choice but to serve her coffee…" He made a vague gesture towards himself. "As you can see, she got it a little wrong."

Owen snorted.

"No shit."

"The worst part," Ianto went on after silencing Owen with a glare, "is that she called me a heartless bastard in the middle of the spell, because I had the nerve to laugh at her, and consequently I've been left without a heart."

Jack looked incredulously between Owen and Ianto.

"No brain, and now no heart? You've gotta be kidding me."

"So you might as well stop flirting with me," Ianto said in a bored voice. "Because it's not going to work."

"You sorely underestimate me," Jack declared, to which Ianto merely rolled his eyes.

"Yes, keep telling yourself that."

"Why do I have a sudden urge to go back to my cornfield?" Owen muttered. Jack ignored him.

"We're heading to the Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz. You could come with us if you like... I'm sure he could give you a new heart. I mean, we're going to try and get a brain for _him_," he added, pointing over his shoulder at Owen. "Getting a heart for you shouldn't be a problem."

Ianto looked from Jack to Owen with a look on his face that suggested he didn't care one way or another. Then, his gaze alighted on the empty coffee mug in his hand and his face fell.

"I suppose... It has been very hard, not caring about making decent coffee. Very well. I'll come along."

Jack's grin lit the place up like a floodlight.

"Great! We can get to know each other, and maybe..."

His hand had wandered as he spoke, and Ianto smacked it away.

"Harassment, _sir_."

"Spoilsport," Jack pouted.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Owen grumbled.

"I can give you a cure for that!"

All three looked around at the unpleasantly familiar voice, and a moment later there was a poof of fluorescent pink smoke on the top of the woodshed nearby, and the witch appeared in the midst of butterflies and glitter powder.

"Bugger!" she shrieked, flapping her hands in an effort to wave it all away before it threatened to choke her. "I was supposed to appear in the middle of a cloud of black smoke! Butterflies aren't anywhere near as scary! Why do none of my spells work the way they're supposed to?"

"Maybe because you're an incompetent cow without a clue?" Ianto suggested blandly, eliciting an enraged shriek from their green adversary.

"How dare you!"

"Oh, please," Ianto snorted. "What do you expect? You took away my heart with one of your bungled spells. I'm hardly going to care about whether you try to do anything else to me, am I?"

"You might not care," Gwen snapped, "but your companions might. You're looking a little cold, Owen. How about some fire to warm you up?"

She drew her arm back, as though preparing to throw a ball, except what left her hand was a ball of fire. Owen yelped and tried to hide behind Ianto, who drew himself up to his full height and took the full blast of the fireball in his metal-plated chest. The fireball rebounded and Gwen screamed in panic and threw herself down to avoid being hit by it. Consequently, she lost her balance, and went sliding off the roof and crashing to the ground, landing once more in the splinter-riddled wood pile.

"Bugger!" she shrieked in fury as she emerged from around the corner. She glared at the three of them as she plucked splinters out of her arse for the second time that day. "You'll pay for that!" She turned her glare on Jack, who was trying not to laugh, and failing miserably. "I _will_ have you, Jack Harkness. You'll see."

Jack grimaced.

"Not in this reality, sweetheart, no matter how screwed up it is."

She growled at him and threw her arms up above her head dramatically. Nothing happened. Becoming increasingly more frustrated, she tried it again. Again, nothing.

"Is something supposed to happen?" Jack inquired with an innocent air that didn't sound so innocent. Gwen dropped her arms and tried to regain her dignity. It completely escaped her attention that she had no dignity left, and hadn't had for quite a long time.

"Look, I was supposed to disappear in a big, impressive cloud of green and black smoke, but some idiot must have fallen asleep at the special effects desk. Would you mind just carrying on and pretending I'm not still here? Just till I find my bloody broom in that pile of wood back there?"

Jack, Ianto and Owen glanced at each other.

"I don't know," Owen mused. "Can we pretend she doesn't exist? Kind of hard..."

"Given you shagged her like the brainless twit you are now," Ianto remarked dryly, "I imagine you would have trouble pretending she doesn't exist."

"Shut up, tin boy," Owen snapped.

"Kids, settle down," Jack soothed, stepping in between them and taking great pleasure in the chance to ignore Gwen – something that he was rarely able to do in reality, thanks to her constant attention-seeking behaviour. "Now, are we in agreement? On to the Emerald City?"

Owen and Ianto exchanged looks, and both nodded. Jack squeezed them both tight, all the while keeping a safe grip on Coco.

"Great. Shall we...?"

"If you're about to suggest we skip," Ianto deadpanned, "I'll hit you with my coffee can."

Jack pouted again, but before he had a chance to speak, there was a tremendous shriek and they wheeled around in time to see a pterodactyl launch into the air from behind the woodshed. The shriek, however, had not come from the creature, but from Gwen, who was dangling by her cape from the prehistoric bird's long beak.

"You bloody bird, you're supposed to wait until I can get on your back! Stop! I'll turn you into a gargoyle! Put me down..."

Her voice thankfully faded into nothing as she was carried away into the sky. Jack stared up at the sky for a long while, and when he looked back to his companions, his eyes were red with tears.

"Please," Ianto said in disgust. "You're not upset about _her_, are you?"

"Are you... are you kidding?" Jack choked out. He couldn't contain himself any longer, and exploded with laughter, doubling over and clutching his stomach. "That's gotta be the most hysterical thing I've seen for a long time! One thing I can always count on Gwen for... is a good laugh..."

"Try not to hyperventilate," Owen snarked. "Because as incompetent as she might look, she can still cause us problems. We probably should get going."

Jack rubbed the tears away from his eyes as his laughter faded.

"Yeah, you're right. Let's go. And don't worry, kids. I promise not to skip."

They began to walk, and Jack opened his mouth to start singing, only to be rewarded with yet another whack across the head, this time courtesy of his newest companion.

"Hey!" he protested. "Are you trying to kill me? Metal hands, remember?"

"Sorry," Ianto apologised, sounding anything but. "But try to sing again, and I'll knock you out and bloody well carry you to the Emerald City."

Jack pouted again, but dutifully went on his way in silence, his head spinning with thoughts of singing weevils, crazy witches, a brainless straw man and a strangely attractive man made of tin.

_To be continued..._


	4. A Life Without Courage

**A/N:**_ Thank you for all the reviews from each of you! As blucougar57 is part-taking in NANO next month, we've been working full on to get all of this story complete. Which I'm happy to announce, the coming chapters have already been written! Which means no more waiting on your behalf. So every two days or so, I will update. As it is halloween in Australia, this is my present to you all. Enjoy! Reviews are always loved!_

* * *

The dark forest that now surrounded the three companions seemed to appear out of nowhere. After the last encounter with the wicked witch, Ianto, Owen and Jack were all extremely anxious to get to the Wizard as soon as possible, and their new surroundings were doing nothing for their collective mood.

"Did anyone else happen to notice the change in lighting?" Jack wondered as he hugged Coco closer to his chest.

"Oh, no, not at all," Owen grumbled sarcastically.

Ianto looked around at the creepy dark forest in a bored, offhand manner.

"It's probably to indicate we're about to be jumped on by some sort of alien creature."

"What? Really?" Jack asked with overly wide-eyed innocence that made him look anything but innocent.

"Oh, yes. Definitely," Owen added gleefully, enjoying the sight of frightened Jack. "It happens all the time in the movies."

Ianto nodded.

"He's right. It's usually done to build up suspense between characters. Right about now is when we should start chanting an incantation over and over again, in order to add to the tension."

"Maybe, getting faster and faster and more strident with each repetition?" Owen added as Jack began cowering behind Ianto, peeking over the tin boy's shoulder at the frightening sounds that echoed around them.

A sudden outburst of chatter somewhere in the foliage around them caused Jack to jump nervously, and squeal in a very unmanly way.

"I'm sure it's just birds," Ianto reassured Jack, and dragged him out from behind him by the ear.

Adding to Jack's already enfeebled state of mind, Owen placed his straw hand on Jack's shoulder.

"It's okay to be scared. This forest is bound to be full of carnivorous aliens just lurking in the shadows waiting for their unsuspecting prey. I'd be scared it I were you, but I'm not. I reckon I'm pretty safe. I haven't heard of an alien that eats straw, which would be just stupid. Flesh on the other hand..."

A sudden rustle ahead made all three of them jump this time, afraid of what might have made the noise.

"Daleks," Jack said, his eyes widening.

"Blowfish," Owen added.

"And Gwen," Ianto remarked.

"Oh _my_!" They all said in unison.

They began chanting, each time getting faster and faster in pace as the rustling began to get louder and louder, until finally an unbelievably loud roar erupted from behind one of the trees revealing the shape of Toshiko. Toshiko, who was dressed in what appeared to be a really cheap lion costume made out of artificial fur.

"Well," Owen muttered. "That was kind of disappointing actually."

Toshiko dashed down from the trees on all fours, her tail flapping wildly as she growled. She actually made for a highly amusing sight, but it was in the plot for our heroes to act terrified, and so they did.

The three of them scattered in terror as Toshiko bounced playfully after them. Jack had managed to hide behind one of the trees, exhibiting no manly tendencies whatsoever, while Ianto and Owen were left to Toshiko's mercies on the yellow brick road.

Standing up on two legs, Toshiko spoke in an amusedly deep voice as she tried her hardest to sound fierce and frightening. It wasn't unlike listening to that annoying kid out of "Home Alone" trying to fool the idiot robbers that he wasn't alone.

"I smell coffee! Who's got coffee?"

Picking himself awkwardly up off the ground, Ianto tremulously revealed the can and coffee mug he'd been concealing in a rather inconspicuous place that Jack had attempted to get into earlier. Many, many times, in many, many ways.

"Um… I do," Ianto said, contemplating whether or not to give her some.

"Thank god! I've been dying for a cup forever."

Giving Ianto no choice in the matter, she grabbed the cup and can out of his metal hands and poured herself a cup and drank it down in one gulp, licking her lips once she was finished.

"That was one hell of a cup of coffee, thankyou."

"Where's hero boy?" Owen asked, looking around for some sign of Jack. Eventually he spotted one of the bushes quivering, and came to the conclusion that where he was. "You come out here right this instance," Owen demanded.

"No!" Jack refused. "Not until the scary lion is gone!"

"That's it," Owen stormed over to the push and lodged his straw hands into the bush managing to grapple onto Jack's feet and started to pull.

"Get your arse out here, you bloody muppet!"

Toshiko and Ianto watched in amusement at the sight of Jack being dragged out of the bush he had been hiding behind. It was a hilarious sight - while Owen was pulling on Jack's legs with all his might, Jack was clinging to it with equal strength. It looked like a scene out of a Looney Tunes cartoon, where the protagonist dog was trying to drag the petrified cat out of its hiding place. Toshiko and Ianto fully expected to see claw marks on the bush.

"You're such a bloody baby!" Owen snapped, finally managing to break Jack's grip on the bush.

It wasn't the smartest move – the sudden lack of resistance caused Owen to go flying backwards, with Jack toppling over him, and the two rolled down the hill like a couple of demented circus tumblers, finally coming to a halt on the yellow brick road.

Coco rolled down after them landing at Ianto's feet.

Brushing himself off, Jack stood up, and had to grin at the sight of Owen's straw insides scattered everywhere. Leaving Owen to pick up after himself, Jack snickered at his terrible joke, and bent down to pick the magical muse up.

"Poor Coco," he cooed to the toy, brushing non-existent dirt off it. "You took a tumble, didn't you? Yes, you did, you poor little thing. Don't you worry, though, I'll cuddle you all better. Yes, I will!"

"You bloody…"

At that point, Owen's voice was bleeped out by the censors as he let fly with a string of unmentionable expletives. Which his companions dutifully ignored.

Turning his attention back to their newest acquaintance, Jack introduced each of them separately, taking full advantage of yet another opportunity to molest Ianto, which only ended up Jack face down on the road once again.

"I'm the Cowardly Lion, but you can call me Toshiko," she said once Jack had crawled his way up off the ground using Ianto as a leaning post. He'd always loved playing with his toy soldiers.

"So then," Owen snorted, "how'd you end up like that?"

Growling, Toshiko grabbed the costume's tail and began playing with it in her hands.

"It was that stupid Witch of the West, Gwen…"

The groans and rolling of eyes that met her words told her she didn't need to elaborate any further. However, it was in the script, and so she told her story anyway.

"She wanted to turn me into a lion to feed to her bloody pterodactyl. Apparently she thought it was time for a little bit of variety. You know, animal instead of human? She tried to cast a spell on me, but managed to screw it up."

"No surprise there," Ianto mused rolling his eyes.

"Instead of turning into a lion, I've been stuck in this stupid costume for who knows how long. Do you have any idea how itchy this thing is?"

"I'll take your word on it," Jack grimaced at the thought of being stuck in that mouldy, itchy, ugly and terribly crafted costume. If he hadn't known better, Jack could have sworn it was a reject from the costume department of Kimba, the musical.

"Why don't you just take it off if it's so itchy?" Owen asked as Toshiko gave him a disapproving look.

"I would, but there's this tiny detail where I have no clothes on underneath," she gestured to her costume.

Owen's eyes glazed over for a second, as it was his turn to briefly go to his happy place.

"Oh, really…?"

"Don't get any ideas, or I'll gladly remove more than straw from your body," she said, directing her gaze at Owen's crotch which he covered up with his hands. Even though he technically didn't have anything to actually cover up, the idea of it was so horrific that he felt the need to make the gesture of protecting his non-existent crown jewels all the same.

"So," Jack stepped in between the bickering couple to prevent any further unpleasant developments. "What did she take from you? Ianto here lost his heart. Owen lost his brain… Not that you'd really notice any difference… what about you? What did you lose to Her Royal Ugliness?"

Toshiko sighed.

"Ever since that day I've found myself unable to be brave like I use to, I'm just a cowardly Lion."

"Can't be all that bad," Jack remarked, eyeing her appreciatively. "I bet there's a seriously hot body under that costume. If you just ditched it… Ouch!"

He yelped indignantly as his thoughtless comment earned him a slap over the face with Toshiko's extremely long lion's tail.

"You deserved it, sir," Ianto remarked.

"Hey!" Owen shouted, realising only just now that Jack had insulted him with the no brain remark earlier.

Jack ignored him, and instead offered Toshiko the chance to join them on their quest to see the Wizard in hope that he might give Toshiko some courage, but she seemed less than inclined to go.

"I think I'd rather stay here, thanks. You guys are a little bit insane."

This time Ianto decided to take control, and Jack found himself positively drooling with unrequited lust. He loved it when Ianto took control like that. Hell, he loved it when Ianto took control any time. Especially when handcuffs were involved…

"Do you want to get smacked over the head with the coffee can again?" Ianto inquired politely, dragging Jack out of his reverie before returning his attention to Toshiko. "Toshiko, if we were insane, then would you mind explaining to us why _you_ are dressed like that? And if you don't feel like coming then you really are nothing but a great big coward."

Ianto waited, hoping she would take the bait.

"So what if I'm a coward? I'd rather be here in this forest alone than face the chance of coming across Gwen again, thanks very much. You don't honestly think it's just because of this bloody manky suit that I lost my courage, do you? Do you realise how horrible and nasty that stupid cow is? The real reason she kidnapped me in the first place was because my clothes weren't up to her standard. Feeding me to the pterodactyl was an after-though. And you know what my big sin was? I wore my jeans _inside_ my boots. Just because I didn't fit into her idea of fashion, she decided I needed to die. She completely stripped me of every last bit of self-confidence and self-esteem that I had. Look at the circles under my eyes, for crying out loud! I haven't gotten any sleep for weeks, thanks to her."

"So… Not really anything new, then, is it?" Owen remarked dryly.

"Come on, Toshiko, please?" Jack was begging now, which was not something he did often, except with Ianto. "Come with us to see the Wizard, he ought to be able to give you some courage. Maybe he'll even get rid of Gwen once and for all."

Jack found himself smiling when Toshiko seemed to perk up at the mention of getting rid of Gwen. It was the happy thought that they all clung to, that gave them the ability to fly… Hang on, he thought. Wrong movie. Moving on…

"Well, okay then," Toshiko said, all revved up to go. "What are we waiting for?"

Taking each other arm in arm, they began to head deeper into the wood, united at last in their desire to do good and rid the world of the evil that was Gwen.

*

Brilliant blue light began to pour through the trees ahead as the four finally exited the forest. To Jack's astonishment, he couldn't believe the sight before his eyes. Between him and the Emerald city was a field of puppies. Cute, adorable puppies of all colours as far as the eye could see.

"It's a field of puppies," Ianto deadpanned, looking completely unimpressed.

"Poppies? Where? I don't see any poppies," Owen said vividly looking around for these poppies Ianto was talking about.

"Not poppies. Puppies! Clean your ears out, straw-for-brains," Ianto replied, smacking Owen with his coffee cup.

"It's so beautiful, isn't it," Toshiko said in amazement as she gazed upon the magnificence that was the Emerald city in all its sparkling green glory. "Don't you think so, Jack?"

But Jack was off, throwing Coco into Ianto's arms and running into the field of millions of puppies. Picking one up off the ground, Jack began to cuddle it. It was a white sooty colour with green eyes, and about the size of Jack's hand. Like flies, each of the puppies began to swarm around Jack, all yipping adorably in an effort to get his attention, and play with him. One of them had managed to get Jack's shoelaces undone, while another was pulling at Jack's coat.

"You're all so, so... _cute!_" Jack sat down on the ground and let the puppies jump onto him, still clutching the white sooty one in his arms. "I think I'll name you Ollie," Jack said as the obscenely cute ball of fluff excitedly licked Jack's face.

Making their way through the puppies, Toshiko, Ianto and Owen stared at Jack in disbelief as he began to roll around on the ground with at least thirty puppies, each one jumping all over him playfully and licking him. And didn't that just sound completely _wrong_?

"Umm... Jack?" Owen asked nervously as the puppies began to surround him as well.

Jack was too intrigued in the puppies to hear Owen. Instead, he began running further and further into the field of puppies, where all he could think of was that the gorgeous little fluff balls were free to do whatever they want for the rest of their lives, not to be disturbed by anyone. _Anyone. _

*

Far, far away in her castle, Gwen paused in front of her crystal ball but it just sat there, blank and dull. After hitting it a few times expecting it to _magically _turn itself on, Gwen lifted the crystal ball up and threw it with all her power. Well, throwing may have been a bit strong a word. The crystal ball bounced back off the floor, hitting Gwen in the face and breaking her nose, somehow managing to straighten it from the crooked mess it had been.

She shrieked in a rage, both at the ball and at the damage it had done to her perfectly crafted face.

On the plus side, the crystal ball didn't smash and also it turned on.

Using her wand to fix her nose, because she didn't want to mess with perfection, Gwen peered into the crystal ball just in time to see Jack playing with puppies. Gwen always knew Jack had a soft spot for animals, but an even softer spot for her. As soon as she had him in her possession, he would see that their bond was something that couldn't ever be broken, because they were so good together. Even though she had seen him fawning over the bloody coffee boy, she wasn't fazed. She knew that that silly little child couldn't hold a candle to a woman of her stature and beauty, and that Jack would come to realise that he was meant to be hers.

After all, she was Gwen Cooper.

Now, all she had to do was somehow separate Jack from the group so he could have her all to himself, just like she knew would inevitably realise he truly wanted. As if by struck by lightning, Gwen came up with her first idea. Ever.

Quickly gathering all the necessary ingredients, Gwen began brewing a potion cackling away. She began an incantation of some sort of spell, the potion turned from purple to blood red. Scooping up half of the potion, and scalding her fingers in the process (managing to turn her entire arm the same colour as the potion, leaving her looking like a demented Christmas ornament) Gwen placed it in a flask and brought it over to the crystal ball which lay on the floor still.

"When I gain your love, Jack Harkness, and that magical muse, we will be together forever and become the greatest rulers in Oz. For now, my beauty, something with poison, adorable to the eye and soft to the touch." Gwen began letting the vapours from the flask circle the crystal ball and eventually disappear into it. "Puppies, puppies will put them to sleep."

*

"Come on Jack! What are we waiting for? The Emerald city is just over the other side of the field," Owen bellowed, jumping onto Ianto's back as one of the puppies began to nip at his straw leg.

"In a minute," Jack replied. Picking up Ollie in his hands, Jack turned to Ianto. "Can I keep him?"

He gave Ianto an innocent, wide-eyed look that Ianto found strangely impossible to resist.

"Yes, but don't expect me to clean up after it," Ianto mumbled, not particularly caring whether he did or not.

Placing Ollie in his jacket pocket – the little dog's head poking out, and its tongue flapping in the warm breeze – the four began to tiptoe carefully through the field of puppies.

"Come on! Come on!" Owen yelled back to the others. In his eagerness, he was already ten feet ahead.

Jack, however, began to feel sleepy as the puppies swarmed around him. His breath grew more shallow with each step he took.

"What's happening? I feel so sleepy," Jack mumbled.

"Come here, I'll carry you," Ianto offered. It was a testament to the strange special effects that Jack didn't immediately take advantage of the chance to be hauled over Ianto's strong shoulder, and be in a prime position to grope at his arse.

"I have to rest, please. Just for a minute," Jack said in between jaw-popping yawns. He finally stopped, and laid his head to rest on the ground, his body slowly disappearing beneath a surging wave of puppies. He began muttering Gwen's name as he slept.

Which, frankly, should have tipped the rest of them off that something was not right, even if the sudden, inexplicable urge to take a nap in the middle of a field of puppies didn't.

Ianto tried, unsuccessfully, to keep Jack from falling over.

"You can't rest now, we're almost there."

"I feel like forty-winks, too, come to think of it," Toshiko yawned as she curled up on the ground and fell asleep.

"Toshiko! Wake up!"

Owen knelt down next to Toshiko, trying everything to wake her up, but was slowly engulfed by puppies also.

"What do we do?" Ianto asked Owen in as close to panic as his heartless state would permit him to be. Owen just pointed to his head.

"No brain, remember?"

The two began trying to remove the puppies from Jack and Owen, but there were too many of them. By the time they had gotten the first lot off them, another lot had taken their place.

"This is terrible! It's Gwen, it has to be. Jack would never dream of Gwen, not without it being a nightmare!" Ianto moaned, as Jack continued to repeat Gwen's name from somewhere under the puppies.

"That bloody witch!" Owen yelled, anxiously still trying to remove the puppies from Toshiko. "What do we do?"

"Help! Help!" Ianto began to yell out, because even though there was clearly not a soul in sight for miles around, he still felt it was required to pointlessly waste energy and time by shouting for help. And, it was in the script.

"It's no use screaming at a time like this!" Owen said, trying pointlessly to stop Ianto from yelling.

*

Somewhere in the distance, while reading the newest issue of Witches Digest, Donna heard the cry for help and rolled her eyes. With a wave of her magic wand, snow began to fall from the sky over all of Oz.

*

"It's snowing!" Owen said in amazement.

Ianto looked down at the ground as the puppies began to move away from Jack and Toshiko, to go and find shelter from the sudden, unseasonable change in weather.

"Something's happening. It couldn't help. Could it?" Ianto's eyes widened in amazement as Jack slowly began to wake up.

"Jack, you're waking up. It's okay, I'm here now." Ianto knelt down; Ollie was still nestled comfortably in Jack's pocket, yipping excitedly.

Toshiko also started to wake up as Owen helped her up.

"Unusual weather we're having, aint it?" Owen commented sarcastically.

Jack got up and, making sure Ollie was safe, began to look around. All the puppies had scampered into the forest out of the cold.

Looking over, Jack noticed that Ianto had frozen where he knelt, with Coco still clutched in his hands.

"Ianto!" Jack squealed in a completely unmanly way. "He's rusted over. Give me the coffee can, quickly!"

Owen rolled his eyes, and handed the coffee can to Jack. Giving Ianto a few quirts of coffee in all his nocks and crannies, the tin boy slowly began to loosen up until he regained full control over his body.

"Here, take this."

Making sure his body was fully functional, Ianto shoved Coco back into Jack's arms.

"This place is just too weird." Jack pulled out Ollie from his pocket and placed him on the ground.

"Would you like to come with us?" Jack asked the tiny puppy, and it gave a reassuring yip indicating yes.

"Well, then it's settled," Toshiko laughed. "Let's get out of here."

"Look, the Emerald city is closer and more beautiful than ever," Jack said, pointing out the soothing green light emitting from the city itself.

Taking their last step off the puppy field, the four companions, along with Jack's new pet puppy, continued on their way to the looming walls of the Emerald City, and the wonderful wizard within.

_To be continued..._


	5. The Emerald City

**A/N: **_Sorry guys, I couldn't resist. I had to update today because I felt that I owed you guys after such a long time between updates. Anyway, the next chapter! And seeing that it's Halloween in Amercia today,- I think - I believe that this is a present to all my lovely amercians who have been reading this. Also a sidenote, I've been getting some questions about what the stuffed toy Coco is, If it wasn't obvious then I'm sorry, so I cleared it up in this chapter. Just think Adipose, that's all I'm going to say...__Enjoy! Read! Review!_

* * *

Deep within her castle far away, but not far enough, Gwen shrieked in fury. How dare that disgustingly good witch Donna interfere with her sure-fire plan to win Jack over. After all, it was entirely for his benefit that she was going to these lengths. She knew he wanted her, even if he couldn't yet admit to it.

Now, with those troublesome idiots he'd picked up along the way to the Emerald City, she had no hope of getting Jack alone, where she could show him how they were meant to be together – true soul mates destined for an eternity of love.

"Curse you all!" she shrieked at her trusty and faithful flying monkey, whose face resembled a balding man with a chubby face, and facial markings that looked like glasses. It babbled back at her in nonsensical monkey language, which she was certain were words of affirmation for her belief that Jack was meant to be hers and no one else's. Well, no matter.

Stalking around the tower room, and over to the window, Gwen began speaking to the unpleasant creature.

"If I can't go to Jack, I'll let Jack come to me," she decided, oblivious to the utter lack of logic in that argument.

Cackling, she made her way to the open balcony of the tower and called out for Myfanwy, her less than trusty broomstick, which she had accidentally turned into a pterodactyl in a tantrum whilst casting a spell.

Seconds later the prehistoric bird flew up in front of the balcony and hovered in front of it. Taking a leap Gwen jumped towards Myfanwy.

"To the Emerald City!"

Unfortunately, like most aspects of her character, her depth perception was completely off-target. Instead of landing onto the pterodactyls back, Gwen found herself screaming for her pointless life as she plummeted down the cliff that was situated directly next to her castle.

As much as it would have been good for the wicked old cow to die then and there, it was not meant to be. Yet.

Myfanwy let out a noise similar to Gwen's shrieking from down below – though, how you could tell the difference was beyond anyone, but anyway… Diving down the cliff after her, Myfanwy finally caught up to Gwen as she plunged further and further down. Without any hesitation, the bird gripped the closest part of Gwen with its gigantic claws, that being her feet, and began flying upwards.

Hanging upside-down by the bird's claws, Gwen began shrieking in terror.

"Let me go!" she squealed, and Myfanwy obeyed letting Gwen fall slightly again before shrieking for the pterodactyl to save her. Again, she found herself suspended the wrong way up.

After a minute of brainless shouting of 'let me go' and 'save me', Gwen found herself being carried away into the distance towards the Emerald City, shrieking all the way there.

*

With Ollie tucked cosily in Jack's jacket pocket, yapping enthusiastically, and Coco tucked under his arm, the four companions finally found themselves beneath the sparkling green exterior of the Emerald City. The towers seemed to go up forever, not to mention they were pristine, which thoroughly impressed Ianto.

Whoever cleaned this place, Jack was definitely going to offer them a job back at the Hub, seeing that Gwen seemed to trash it just by staring at one spot for too long. Though, when he thought about the idea of cleanliness, he'd need a decent disinfectant shower when he got back home, and possibly a few visits to a psychiatrist might be a good idea. No, even better, Retcon himself, specifically to wipe any trace of Gwen from his mind.

Somewhere in the middle of Jack's thoughts, he found himself face to face with an enormous green door. Directly next to it was a long silver chain that disappeared somewhere above them.

"Just ring the damn thing already," Owen remarked impatiently.

Jack eagerly grasped the silver chain and yanked on it, and almost directly after he'd pulled it, bells began to ring from somewhere inside the city.

Suddenly out of the corner of Jack's eye he noticed a small window open above him slightly to reveal the figure of an extremely sour-faced man dressed in green.

"Who rang that bell?" the hot headed man screeched, glaring at Jack and the others.

"Are you blind?" Ianto asked with an exasperated roll of his eyes. "Obviously we did, as you can see we're the only ones around."

The little green man gasped for air as he began to turn red.

"Can't you read!?"

The four began searching for something, anything that was some form of writing, but found nothing, because there was nothing there to find. Naturally.

"Of course we can read," Toshiko huffed, insulted by the insinuation against her level of intelligence. She might have been wearing a manky lion costume and nothing else, but she was still the smartest little cookie in Oz. "But obviously you can't. There isn't anything here to read."

The rude little man obviously didn't believe her, because he snarled at Toshiko, which in turn prompted Ianto to hit the man with his coffee can.

"How dare you!" the man shrieked, his face turning a lovely shade of scarlet. "Obviously you're the ones that are blind; the notice is directly below me!"

By now the green man began to look like a Christmas tree ornament as the red in his face seemed to compliment his green attire quite nicely.

"Oh wait, there it is," Owen said in realisation before flicking the man on the nose. "Sorry, I thought it said idiot on it. There _is_ no sign for the final time."

"It's on the door! It's as plain as the nose on my face," the man even gestured to his overly large nose.

"Yeah," Owen mumbled loud enough so that the talking Christmas tree could hear. "We can tell."

"It's right, there..."

Finally, the stupid man looked below him, eyes widening in fury as he began looking for the sign. The next thing they knew, he'd disappeared back into the window, only to come back moments later with a wooden sign which he placed on the outside of the door. He then slammed the small circular window behind him. Jack could've sworn he heard the man say something very similar to get knotted before it closed.

As if by some weird coincidence, or perhaps because some maniacal Higher Being was really controlling them and everything they did from his little Editing Box of Evil, they all began reading the small sign in unison.

_BELL OUT OF ORDER  
PLEASE KNOCK_

Jack stared intensely at the sign, waiting until a suitably dramatic period of time had passed before uttering his next lines.

"The _hell _it is!"

He grabbed the silver chain and this time pulled on it violently before quickly moving back into position in front of the small window as the bells began to chime above again.

Right on cue, the little green man leaned out the window looking thoroughly pissed off.

"Can't you idiots read...?"

Throwing Coco to Ianto once more, trusting completely that his faithful man of metal would catch the precious little Adipose-shaped toy, Jack lunged for the green-clothed man and pulled him out the window up to his knees so that he was right in front of Jack's face.

"Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once." Jack hesitated, frowning a little. "Heard that somewhere before... Anyway..." He glared at his little green captive audience once more with renewed ferocity. "I have been travelling along this stupid yellow brick road for who knows how long, not to mention being stalked by my worst nightmare. So If I were you, I suggest you open this door this very instant, before I have a nervous breakdown, and believe me, you don't want to see me like that. So let us in _now_ so I can see the Wizard and get out of this hellhole."

Ollie barked cutely in some form of agreement from Jack's pocket as the little man's face had gone from flushed red to pale white.

"Right away," the man managed to croak out as Jack shoved him backwards through the window, which closed neatly behind him.

Jack then turned to his companions, and smiled smugly as they stared at him in surprise and, in certain quarters, reluctant appreciation.

"And that's how it's done, kids," Jack announced, accepting Coco back from Ianto, and also casually making a less than discreet foray into what might be considered personal space before Ianto slapped him away.

"You spoil all my fun," Jack pouted childishly, to which Ianto just smirked.

"Don't I just?"

"The things you see when you don't have a gun," Owen remarked, contemplating whether or not to ask the wizard for bleach, as well as a brain.

The doors of the Emerald City began to part, slowly revealing the interior. Inside the walls were painted green, the floor had a reflective green surface, there were green trees, green chairs, people dressed in green, green seats, green...

"Ouch!" Jack yelped when Toshiko elbowed him in the side.

"Less standing, more moving," she said as she passed him.

They'd only made it into the city a few metres when a little green man rode up to them in a carriage pulled by cream coloured horse. He was identical to the one they'd met moments ago, except for the green hat on his head.

"Take you any place in the city, I will."

"Will you take us to see the Wizard?" Toshiko asked, giving a flattering smile to the man.

For a moment the man began to stutter and talk to himself incoherently, but finally agreed to take them, but not before they got cleaned up nicely for the Wizard.

One by one, they climbed onto the carriage. Jack insisted that Ianto get in before him, gleefully helping him in by pushing his arse when he got stuck.

After a while, they managed to all cram themselves into the tiny back seat of the carriage. Cramped was no understatement, either. Jack had to take Ollie out of his pocket so that the adorable white puppy didn't get squashed.

Clutching both Ollie and the magical muse tightly, they were off to an unknown destination within the city.

For a second there, Jack thought he was going insane – even more so than he already felt he was – when he saw the horse change from cream to purple to red to yellow.

Jack turned excitedly towards Toshiko who shook her head as soon as she noticed what he'd been looking at.

"Don't even think about asking if you can have it."

Jack pouted cutely at her, positive she couldn't resist him. It didn't occur to him to wonder why he was asking permission from someone he had met more or less than an hour ago.

"Pleeeeaaaassseeee?"

That earned him a flick of the tail off Toshiko's lion costume.

"No."

Of course, the citizens of the city were all now singing about how they lived. Jack scowled, rapidly losing what good humour he still had. First weevils that made his ears bleed, then a bloody scarecrow that wouldn't let him sing when he had a wonderful voice, and now this. That was it, the next time someone sang even _one_ note it wasn't going to end well. For now, though, he let it pass.

The carriage eventually came to a complete and sudden stop directly underneath a sign reading 'Wash & Brush Up Co.' For such a strange land, where lunch boxes grew on trees and there were fields of puppies rather than poppies, they really had an extraordinary lack of imagination where naming things were concerned. Frankly, it wouldn't surprise him if he saw people wearing shirts promoting this _wonderful _Land of Oz.

Of course, when they were directed into the room below the sign there they were, little green shirts with Oz printed on them. Go figure.

They were each directed to a different station in the room. Owen was placed on a table and almost fell off when one of the men undid his shirt and began stuffing him with fresh straw, while the other did the same for his legs. Jack thought briefly about commenting, but thought better of it. Owen might not have been in the position to retaliate right then, but it wouldn't stop him later on.

Ianto found himself getting a nice polish with an extremely large wheel shaped thing. It was as almost as good as a massage.

Jack, on the other hand found himself surrounded by three _gorgeous_ women, but was put off as soon as they began trying to perm his hair.

Toshiko enjoyed every minute of her treatment as her costume was cleaned, brushed and cut while it was still on her. It no longer smelt mouldy after hiding in the forest for so long, and it actually felt comfortable now. They even cleaned her glasses for her until they were sparkly clean.

It wasn't long before they were finished being tidied up and led back outside by the citizens of the city.

All of a sudden a hideous shrieking noise filled the sky as Jack looked upwards into the sky in time to see Gwen hanging upside down.

"You're going to pay for this, you bloody bird! Help! Jack! Save me!"

Jack began to go all red in the eyes again and began singing, conveniently forgetting his earlier silent threat for whoever next dared to open their mouth and sing.

"Ha ha ha, ho ho ho and a couple of la de da's..."

He trailed off into an uncomfortable silence as he found he was being stared at by everyone around him, especially from Owen.

"What the hell was that?" the freshly stuffed scarecrow demanded.

"I'm just trying to get into the spirit of things," Jack pouted tucking Ollie in his pocket covering the dog's eyes to prevent it seeing any sight of Gwen, in case it emotionally traumatized the poor creature.

Pink smoke began to trail behind Gwen from her hand. At least, Jack hoped it was just pink smoke – it had crossed his mind that she could possibly be possessed by that sex gas creature from a while back. Actually, it wouldn't surprise him to learn that a bit of the damned thing had gotten inside her, after all the passes she'd made on him. It gave him a good excuse to lock her up in the cells for a few days of peace when he found his way back to Cardiff.

Then again, he didn't really care to give her an excuse for her pathetic mooning about, either.

At any rate, the smoke was pink. Not scary at all.

Still shrieking through the air, the pink smoke seemed to form lines, until it eventually turned into shapes and words. Eventually creating a pink love heart with an arrow through it, inside it read: 'Surrender yourself to me Jack', followed by her mobile number with hugs and kisses attached. Finally, the trashy tramp shrieked off back from whence she came.

"She really is desperate, isn't she?" Ianto muttered.

"Tell me about it, and I have to work with that thing," Jack replied, but only got confused looks from the three as they wondered what he was on about… or, possibly, what he was on, period.

Everyone around them began to rush away. One woman said to another, "The wizard will know what to do!"

"We better hurry, or we'll never see the wizard," Owen said.

They pushed through the crowd which had stopped in front of a green door. Jack was starting to feel nauseous. Seriously, enough with the green already.

Blocking the doorway and stopping the citizens from getting through was a man wearing fury gloves, hat and a green cape that screamed authority in a very modern, fur-chic way.

"The great and powerful Oz has got matters in hand, so there's nothing to worry about."

Even though they hadn't been told a damned thing of use, the crowd began to calm down and disperse, giving Jack and the others a chance to push their way through the crowd right up in front of the man.

"If you don't mind, sir, we'd like to see the Wizard, all four of us," Jack asked politely – for him, at least – only to get it shoved back in his face.

"The orders are that no one may see the great Oz, not nobody, not no how."

"Please, it's really important we see the Wizard," Owen asked trying to sound polite also, but it wasn't working very well.

"I said, not nobody, not no how!" he repeated. "Are you deaf, or just stupid?"

"What the hell does that even mean!?" Ianto demanded to know.

"It means, umm, that, umm, you can't see the Wizard! That's what. Who are you anyway?"

"This is Jack," Toshiko introduced as the man went wide eyed.

"The witch's Jack?" the man asked.

"The one and the only," Jack admitted ruefully, gripping Coco tightly making sure it wasn't let out of his sight. He wasn't exactly thrilled to be publicly connected in any way to Gwen, but really, what could you do?

"Well... that makes a difference doesn't it? Just, umm, wait here..."

Before they knew it, the man opened the door and disappeared, closing it behind himself.

"It looks like we're about to see the Wizard after all," Ianto gave a warming smile to Jack.

"Before I know it, I'll be queen of the forest!" Toshiko's movement suggested she was about to prepare herself for a song, which prompted Ianto, Jack and Owen to restrain her.

"Don't you even think about it," Jack warned followed by a bark from Ollie, his tongue wavering through the air. "If I can't sing, then no one else can, either."

Toshiko closed her mouth, and finally they let go of her, kindly letting her glare at them to her heart's content.

A sudden growl of anger startled them all as the man appeared from behind them out of the door.

"The Wizard says go away!"

And with that he stormed back behind the door and slammed it shut, leaving Jack sniffling uncontrollably.

"I knew this was a waste of time," Owen said, which earned him Ianto's coffee cup connecting with his head.

"Shut up, you idiot," Ianto snapped, and motioned towards Jack who had sat down on the steps and was almost crying now.

"I thought I was on my way home," Jack managed to say through the tears.

"Don't cry Jack," Toshiko said, putting a comforting paw on his shoulder.

Just then, Owen noticed a part of the door opening up in the corner of his eye. It was the wizard's guard, watching them, and it looked suspiciously like he was crying as well.

"Don't stop crying, keep going," he whispered. Jack noticed in the reflection of Ianto's chest piece the man as well and kept crying, but even more dramatically.

"My mother was so good to me, and I never appreciated it. Even after Gray was gone, she always treated me well. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for letting go of his hand, never ever, ever. And you guys, I don't think I would've ever made it this far without you, but it looks like this was all for nothing. I guess I'll just have to find somewhere to hide for the rest of my life, which will be an awfully long time, believe me, until I can figure out a way home."

Much to Jack's pleasure, his little sob story had worked. The man was crying in large abnormal loads of tears that seemed to soak his entire face and neck.

"Please don't cry anymore," he cried. Talk about emotional. "I'll get you in to see the wizard somehow."

With that he vanished as the hole in the door closed and the double-doors opened to reveal an extremely long and stereotypically creepy hallway. The man who'd opened it had disappeared. People seemed to come and go in this place so quickly it just wasn't funny anymore.

Hand in hand, and with Coco tucked securely under Jack's arm and Ollie firmly in his pocket, they slowly made their way down the corridor.

Toshiko began shaking and using her tail to cover her eyes as she tried to pull away and go back where they came.

"Stop being such a coward," Owen muttered who was arm in arm with Toshiko on the other side.

Reluctantly she found herself being dragged by Jack and Owen down the long corridor, only to all-but jump almost right out of her lion suit when a loud, booming – yet familiar – voice filled the air around them.

"Hurry up and come in, I haven't got all day, you know," the voice sighed in an overly dramatic tone.

The four found themselves in an overly large chamber. In the middle was a spectacular fire and smoke show. In the centre of the effects was a deformed face of what looked like an extremely old man; a _very_ old man and ugly at that. Perhaps he was somehow related to Gwen? It wouldn't surprise Jack in the slightest, but he wisely chose not to voice his opinion.

Because he was the leader, and it was expected of him, Jack bravely stepped forward and began to speak.

"I'm Jack," he announced nervously. "I was told you could help me get home?"

"Silence!" The figure in the smoke and fire seemed to flicker slightly, but Jack didn't really pay much attention to it. "I know why you're here, Captain Jack Harkness. You as well, Tin Man. You seek a heart, and you, Scarecrow, wish for a brain."

"Do you think I can have some bleach while you're at it?" Owen asked rather seriously.

"Bleach? You come all this way and you ask for bleach? What kind of scarecrow would have any use for bleach in the first place? You're not one of those walking scarecrows are you, because I've had bad experiences with scarecrows before. Not talking ones, mind, but even so… "

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jack stared at the face in the fire utterly confused.

"And what about me?" Tosh squeaked, almost fainting from fright at speaking up in front of this awesome, terrifying, and yet strangely comedic character.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. Drifted off a bit," the voice went from its unusual yet realistically fast pace to the same demanding and frightening tone that they'd first met. "Right, you want courage, Toshiko."

"And I wouldn't mind getting out of this lion suit, either," she added. Silence fell, and she realised that Jack, Owen and Ianto were all staring at her with a slightly glazed look in their eyes. She went red, and clutched her arms around her tightly. "I don't mean like that, you perverts!"

All three coughed very conspicuously, and looked away self-consciously. The wizard went on obliviously.

"I will grant your wishes, because I'm brilliant, but first you must do something for me."

The four, even Ollie, stared at the man in the fire for a moment.

"Which is?" Ianto urged the man in the fire.

"You must travel to the west, to the wicked witch's castle. There you must kill her and rid this land of her evil. As proof of her death, you must bring me her wedding ring, and maybe then I'll grant you your request. Until then, don't bother coming back."

"No," Ianto stammered.

"No!" exclaimed Jack.

"You have got to be kidding," Owen said, his mouth open wide in disbelief. "She never takes that thing off. How in the world are we supposed to get it?"

Toshiko, of course, had curled up on the ground in the foetal position and was rocking back and forth and talking to herself. She didn't want to go anywhere near the witch's castle, and Jack didn't blame her.

"If you think I'm walking right into the cow's dungeon, then you have another thing coming," Jack snarled. "Do you have any idea what she wants to do with me? I do, and I sure as hell don't plan to give her that chance. I mean, if it was Ianto here who wanted to…"

"Harassment," Ianto cut him off.

"In that case, don't bother coming back at all," the wizard said sharply. The room faded and the fire and smoke went out.

Toshiko dashed back down the corridor after crawling to her feet.

"Come back!" Ianto yelled out to her, but she completely ignored him, jumping clean through a window in her panic and desperation to escape. Turning to Ianto and Owen, Jack sighed dramatically, but then a grin managed to find a way onto his face.

"What are you smirking at?" Owen asked with a frown. He really didn't like the look on the other man's face. It spelled trouble for all of them.

An evil smile continued to form on Jack's face as his mind began work overtime to formulate ideas. They could almost hear the gears turning, he was thinking so hard. It surprised them a little that they didn't see steam coming out of his ears.

"We _do_ want to get rid of Gwen, right?"

Ianto and Owen nodded, slowly.

"Well then, let's get going!"

"You do have a plan, I assume?" Ianto asked, and Jack grin disarmingly at him.

"Trust me, you're with the Captain now."

Somehow, that didn't quite inspire confidence in either of his companions. Even so, they realised that they had no choice but to go along with him. It was either that, or go back to their previous existences, and neither one cared for that.

Minds made up, the three of them walked back down the corridor, but went out the window Toshiko had broken. She was hiding behind a tree.

Collecting her, Jack placed Ollie on the ground beside him, letting the dog follow them as they set off to the wicked bitch's castle.

_To be continued..._


	6. Westward Bound

**A/N: **_Even though this story is nearly over over *sniffles*, I can't believe how much people have been enjoying it. After i've finished posting, I was wondering what people thought about me doing another fic just like this with a different movie? I was thinking possibley Singing in the Rain, OR Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Anyway, tell me what you think. Enjoy this chapter, and thanks again to my beloved aunty blucougar57 for writing this with me =) Reviews are always loved_

* * *

It wasn't long before our valiant, if somewhat idiotic heroes found themselves lost in the Haunted Forest somewhere west of the Emerald city. Toshiko had – on multiple occasions – tried to run away from them, only to have Owen grab her tail to prevent her from going anywhere.

"You're such a big baby," Owen grunted still gripping onto the costume's tail. Toshiko wasn't happy about this at all. In fact, it wouldn't have surprised Jack that those two ended up getting married, or something. After all, opposites attracted. He leered at Ianto as he thought that little thought, and hoped that his gorgeous tin man was thinking the same thing.

Doing his best to ignore the bickering couple, Jack crept carefully through the completely and utterly and stereotypically spooky forest.

Ianto examined their surroundings with detached interest as they walked, completely oblivious to Jack's lecherous looks. Or, perhaps not so oblivious so much as uncaring. It was hardly his fault if the silly twit in the long billowing, strangely attractive coat couldn't remember that he didn't have a heart.

The trees were a dull boring grey with typical dead leaves hanging off them, giving off a gloomy atmosphere that would frighten the wits out of any unfortunate soul that dared to pass. For some inexplicable reason, horror music was playing out of the owl holes that were situated inside some of the trees they'd passed.

"Will you shut up?! We're trying to hurry up and get through this bloody plot!" Ianto yelled down one of the holes. He couldn't help but notice how disturbed and scared Jack looked as he clutched Coco tightly, with Ollie trotting alongside, and somewhere deep inside his empty tin chest, he felt a sympathetic twinge. Of course, he didn't recognise it for what it was, because he didn't have a bloody heart. So he just assumed it was indigestion from all the cold coffee.

Immediately the terrifying music that had previously filled the air stopped. Jack seemed to brighten up, his face changing from the scaredy cat he'd been only moments ago, to a joyful hero worship look that was directed straight at Ianto. The tin boy didn't quite know what to do about that, and so he did the only thing he could. He completely ignored it, much to Jack's enormous disappointment.

Jack didn't stay despondent for long, though. He would win over his gorgeous tin boy sooner or later. Hopefully sooner, rather than later, because frankly, he didn't want to be in this loony place any longer than he absolutely needed to be.

Before long, they found themselves in front of a wooden sign with an arrow pointing in the direction of the hills ahead. Jack stared at it and began to read it aloud.

"Witch's Castle one mile. I'd turn back if I were you."

Toshiko agreed with the sign, and attempted to turn away back in the direction they'd come. But Owen again prevented her from going anywhere.

"You're not going anywhere," Owen grumbled once Toshiko gave up trying to escape.

"Why don't you two just get a room already," Jack retorted, unable to take his eyes off Owen's scrawny hands, which were currently clutching hold of Toshiko in a very provocative way. He yelped twice as loud as usual when Owen's hand whacked him across the back of the head, and Toshiko thoroughly slapped his face with her tail.

"Care to say that again?" Toshiko asked embarrassedly, but trying to act fierce in a cute lion-cub sort of way.

Jack shook his head vigorously as he deliberately backed away in the direction of Ianto, managing it so that he bumped squarely into his tin soldier.

"Oh, sorry," Jack said to Ianto with an innocent look that was anything but innocent. Ianto of course, just gave Jack a long suffering sigh.

"Of course you are, sir."

All of a sudden, owls and vultures that had been sitting on the tree branches above came alive with sound. Now, if they'd been real birds, then the four companions might have been a tiny bit frightened, seeing that the bird's eyes were glowing bright red. But of course, just by looking at them Jack could tell they were mechanical birds with LED lights where the eyes should be. But as it was part of the plot, and in the script, they all act terrified.

"I believe that there're spooks around," Owen said with his arms crossed, waiting for the next line, but it never came.

Directing his attention to Ianto, Owen repeated his line. "I said, I _believe _that there are spooks around."

Ianto lowered his head, looking embarrassed.

"I've forgotten my line..."

Owen, of course, gave a grunt of annoyance.

"You're supposed to say, 'That's ridiculous. Spooks. That's silly'."

"Oh," Ianto said in realization. Giving a preparing cough, he said his line. "That's ridiculous. Spooks. That's silly."

At that very moment, Ianto was lifted up off the ground by an unseen foe up high into the air. Seconds later he was dropped unceremoniously, landing with a loud crash of metal.

In an utter state of panic, Jack rushed over to Ianto and dropped to the ground, checking that his precious metal boy was alright. He began checking all of Ianto's vitals to see if he was okay. And after that he began to check that everything was intact, that meant _everything_. Of course, he knew immediately Ianto was alright when he slapped away Jack's hand from below.

"_That_ is fine, thankyou very much."

Pouting, Jack helped Ianto up. Toshiko stood a few metres away and began chanting.

"I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks."

It was pretty obvious that she didn't wish to be airborne like Ianto had been moments ago. Perhaps by admitting that she did believe in the invisible Ianto-attacker – whom Jack would probably kill if he ever got his hands on them – then she would be left untouched. Though, it never occurred to any of them at the time that they couldn't kill something that was possibly already dead.

"Are sure you're okay?" Jack asked Ianto just to double-check he wasn't badly injured.

"Yeah," Ianto said, "I'm fine."

He was touched by Jack's concern… but then again, maybe it was still just that damned indigestion…

*

Peering into the crystal ball with her flying monkeys surrounding her, Gwen cackled madly.

Those idiots had no clue what was about to hit them. Jack belonged to her now, just like she was certain he was always meant to. It naturally never crossed her mind that they might have been on their way to kill her. After all, why would her beloved soul mate-to-be Jack ever even think about hurting her? She was the one person he could ever truly love. It was madness, that's what it was. Since that very first moment they'd met, she could tell that he'd fallen instantly in love with her utterly beautiful body.

It was only that ruddy toy that stood between them. Well, that and the bloody tin boy that seemed to have caught Jack in his nefarious charms. And the idiot scarecrow. And that damned lion wannabe…

Okay, so maybe the whole world was out to stop her from getting what she wanted and deserved to have, but she'd have her way. Nothing could stop her, nothing!

She shrieked in a very unwomanly and Spice Girlish way when one of the monkeys landed on her head and smacked her on the face with his big, ungainly paws, bringing her back to reality.

"You bloody hairball!" she screamed as it flew off with a distinct smirk on its monkey face. Then, she realised that the monstrously ugly creature had been trying to get her to focus again properly on the task at hand. Of course, it was right, though she'd never admit that. Daydreaming was never going to bring Jack to her loving bosom.

Rushing away from the crystal ball, Gwen faced the closest of the balding, chubby flying monkeys.

"Take your army to the haunted forest and bring me Jack and that dog. Do whatever you want with the others, especially that metal moron, but I want Jack to be left unharmed."

The creature replied with suitably incoherent monkey noises and flew towards the open balcony. The sky outside began to fill with chatter as hundreds upon hundreds of flying monkeys – all with the same disturbingly familiar bald-heads, and round, spectacled faces – filled the sky with their pointless chatter.

"Now fly, my pretties!" Gwen cackled. "Fly!"

An instant later, her gleeful laughter was cut brutally short when a bolt of lightning came out of nowhere and hit her square between the eyes. It left her slightly dazed, but unfortunately, no brain – no pain.

*

Exactly one mile away from Gwen's castle, the four companions looked to the sky as a horde of the ugliest creatures Jack had even seen began to fly towards them. They were almost blinded by what seemed to be the sunlight reflecting off glasses that each of the flying monstrosities wore.

As they came ever closer, their inane, hysterical babbling gradually became clear, and Jack and his terrified companions could make out the strange, nonsensical sound of "Four-Five-Six" being chanted over and over again.

The wind began to pick up as Jack tried to run away in terror as the monkey-like monsters swooped down from the sky to chase after him.

Owen was caught almost straight away by the creatures, and his protesting bellows could be heard clear from there to the Emerald City as they began to pull out his insides, scattering the straw all around him.

Toshiko tried her best to flee from them, clambering up a nearby tree in a panicked effort to escape the winged beasts. Fortunately for her, they seemed to be more preoccupied capturing Jack, who was running around the tree below her in a continuous loop and shrieking like a ten year old girl as the monkeys followed stupidly, not realising that they were going in circles.

As Jack continued his endless and somewhat pointless loop of the tree, Ianto stepped bravely in to try and block the monkeys by belting them over their heads with his coffee tin.

It was moderately effective, until yet a second wave of monkeys swooped down from the sky. In the chaos that naturally ensued, two of the beasts each grabbed one of Jack's arms (because really, he'd had one too many sugary treats lately and rather needed to go on a diet) and lifted him up into the sky, legs kicking in panic – although he managed to keep a firm grip on Coco despite his unseemly predicament.

Ollie growled in a cutely threatening way at one of the monkeys in front of him. The monkey regarded him with a curious stare before picking up the tiny ball of fluff and carrying him away into the sky.

As the monkeys finally began to leave, Toshiko climbed down from her tree. She and Ianto quickly made their way over to Owen, whose insides had been removed almost completely.

"What happened to you?" Toshiko asked trying to sound kind. But Owen wasn't in the mood to return that kindness. And really, could you blame him? Anyone would be a tad grumpy after they'd effectively been gutted, even if it was only straw.

"What do you think happened?! They tore my legs off and threw them over there. Then they took my chest out and threw it over there. Not to mention the very important parts that I have no idea where they put!"

"Well, thankyou very much," Ianto snapped back at Owen's rudeness. "There's an image that neither of us needed to be stuck with. I'll be borrowing that bleach of yours later on."

Looking up into the sky, Ianto watched as the monkeys flew into over the mountains ahead towards Gwen's castle, taking Jack with them. He could take care of himself... couldn't he? That thought gave Ianto a strangely acute sense of dread, and he was surprised to find himself hoping that Jack would be all right.

He nearly smacked himself over the head with his coffee can. Jack, in Gwen's clutches? Of course he wasn't going to be all right!

He sighed melodramatically, because he was so good at it. So much for Plan A.

*

Jack actually found his trip rather pleasant as the monkeys flew him to the top of the castle, landing him on a balcony. At least he didn't drop the magical muse; Jack had a feeling that it was going to come in handy pretty soon. Another monkey flew on the balcony behind him holding Ollie. Jack rushed over and picked up the small puppy, grasping it closely to him. The poor animal was probably in shock. And if it wasn't now, it sure as hell would be as soon as it saw Gwen.

As the monkeys flew away, Jack began to examine his surroundings. The room was rather small compared to other dark, confined spaces he'd been in his lifetime. Drapes covered the walls, and in the middle of the room sat a large crystal ball. He rolled his eyes in a very Ianto-esque way. A witch's castle, and there was a crystal ball. Could it be anymore cliché?

That wasn't what scared Jack the most, though. It was the life-size cardboard cut-out of the Captain leaning neatly against the wall that scared him the most. He paused, a smirk curling up the corners of his mouth as he admired the image before him. He had to admit, he was one devilishly gorgeous bloke…

He yelped a little as Ollie growled and nipped his fingers lightly. Of course, that wasn't the point. The point was that Gwen had a life-size cardboard cut-out of him, and who knew what she might have done to it while waiting for the real thing.

Images of certain obscene acts raced through Jack's mind, and made him want to puke…

*_**Attention, audiences. This scene was removed by the censors due to inappropriate explicit content, in order to keep it within suitable family viewing ratings. The cut scene may appear at a later date in the extended DVD release, with a higher rating for content**_.*

The door to the tower opened behind him to reveal the most horrifying sight he had ever seen. _**It was Gwen**_. She struck a pose in the doorway that she clearly thought was sexy, but frankly, it just turned his stomach even more. Especially when he caught a not so tiny glimpse of the black lingerie she was wearing.

"Sweetheart, you're finally here!" Gwen squealed as she ran towards Jack, jumping up into the air, expecting him to catch her. Jack's eyes widened a little as he realised instantly what was about to happen, and he quickly side-stepped to avoid having her so much as touch him. After all, he really didn't want to have to go through the hassle of biological decontamination when all of this rubbish was done with.

Gwen flew through the air, only to land on the floor with a very painful thump. Jack couldn't quite stop himself from smirking. Now _that_ was a tumbling routine.

At that moment, though, he suddenly caught a glimpse of the shiny wedding ring on Gwen's finger. All he had to do was get it off somehow… but to do that he would have to kill her. He grimaced as another unsavoury thought occurred to him. To do it, he would probably have to _touch_ her. Bloody hell, there was a catch to everything, wasn't there?

Ollie had cowered into an even tinier and cuter ball of sooty white fluff as soon as he saw Gwen, giving Jack the opportunity to look somewhere other than at the scheming green cow.

Gwen looked at the dog with disgust. Even she, with her limited skills of observation, couldn't fail to notice how much attention Jack was giving the puppy, and not her. It _so_ had to go.

Grabbing a basket off the floor, which she'd planned on filling with lots of toys that she and Jack would later be able to experiment with, Gwen swiped Ollie out of Jack's hands and shoved the animal into it, locking it securely. Or, so she thought.

"What are you doing!?"

Jack attempted to grab the basket to release Ollie, but was stopped. During the time Gwen had entered the room, Jack never noticed the balding monkey that followed her, and was now preventing him from touching the basket.

"Jack, it's all for the best. No one will get in your way again to stop you from having me all to yourself," Gwen cooed to him. "I've seen the way you look at me, your eyes full of lust."

She was trying her best to act sexy, but the green of her skin, not to mention the fact that one of her arms was now red from the earlier accident with her potion, along with the black lingerie was very off-putting. Though, even when she wasn't half naked she was _extremely_ off-putting.

"I think you're confusing lust with a stomach bug," Jack suggested, trying to keep his stomach from churning even worse. But Gwen was just laughed it off, playfully slapping him on the arm. She knew he was just trying to be noble, and play hard to get.

"You're such a kidder, Jack. Now…" Gwen turned to the monkey, her ugly green face twisting into something even more hideous than Jack had imagined was possible. Which was saying a lot. "Take that dog to the river and drown it."

"What!?" Jack burst out, stunned. "Don't you dare, you crazy witch!"

It was at this moment that Jack realised that his clever little ball of fluff had managed to escape from the basket that Gwen had apparently failed to secure, and was scampering away out the doors to the tower.

"Run, Ollie, run!" Jack shouted to the dog.

It took Gwen a few moments to realise what was going on, because for a while she just stood there with her eyes glazed over as she ogled Jack's body and imagined everything she was going to do to it.

"Don't just stand there!" she shrieked at her loyal monkey. "Capture him you fool!"

But it was no use. For a small piece of fluff it could certainly run pretty fast. Rushing down the stairs, the little dog didn't pause for a moment as the drawbridge to the castle began to close. With the monkey right behind him, Ollie bolted up the drawbridge and vaulted over the moat of the castle. Gwen's faithful soldiers began throwing their spears at the innocent animal, but missed each time, because they were the evil minions, and the bad guys are never supposed to have decent aim. That, and we never permit any form of cruelty to animals in our productions. Needless to say, the idiot minions allowed Ollie to escape.

Jack couldn't help but give Gwen a smug grin. She had just been outsmarted by an animal probably about fifty times larger than her brain. As terrible as his situation seemed to be, there was still hope because he knew his faithful little furball would find his friends and bring them to rescue him. Not that he needed rescuing, of course, but it would give their confidence a boost. That, and they needed to be at the castle in order for the plot to be resolved.

For now, however, Jack had a very good idea of what Gwen had planned for him – unfortunately. In the meantime he found it much better to live in denial.

Sighing, Gwen turned back to her newest toy, deciding to forget all about Ollie. Some creature in the haunted forest would eat it, she was sure.

"Now that your distraction is gone, you can have me just like you've always wanted. Take me now, my love!"

Again, she lunged towards him, but this time our poor hero didn't have enough time to move out of her path, and that's when the strangest thing happened. A blue light suddenly encompassed Jack, shrouding him in some sort of force field that caused Gwen ricochet backwards across the room, slamming into the crystal ball and in turn causing it to roll off its pedestal, and bounce across the floor. It tangled in one of the drapes, tearing it from its hooks, and bringing it down over the top of the witch, covering her completely.

It was quite an improvement on her looks.

Jack looked down into his hands to see Coco glowing.

"Did you do that?" he asked the toy.

He could have sworn a smile spread across Coco's face as the blue light disappeared from around him.

"Blue!? Why does he get blue when I get stuck with pink?" Gwen shrieked from somewhere underneath the drape. After some effort, she eventually managed to crawl out from under it.

It was only then that Gwen realised what had happened. As long as the magical muse was in Jack's possession she wouldn't be able to touch him, and she couldn't have that. Her face lit up like a creepy Christmas tree as a brilliant idea occurred to her. All that she needed to do was convince Jack to let her have the toy! However, after what that meddling Witch had told Jack in the Weevil city, she knew that he'd never willingly let it out of his grasp.

She needed time to think, which happened to be something Gwen didn't do very often. Walking towards one of the tables, Gwen picked up an hourglass filled with red sand.

"When the sand runs out, I'll be back my dear. I promise."

And with that final threat, Gwen swept dramatically the tower, closing the doors and locking them behind her. Her exit might have worked, had her camisole not gotten caught in the door. There was a distinct ripping sound, followed by a muffled shriek. The door opened again just a fraction, and the material was yanked all the way through the gap.

Then, he heard her footsteps fading away very fast, sounding much like she was running. Jack sighed, his mirth quickly fading as he and Coco were left alone to try and think of a way to escape the witch's grasp.

_To be continued..._


	7. The Art of Delusion

**A/N: **_Here it is! The chapter you've all been waiting for! That's right, Gwen's death. *evil manical laughter* It's sad though... as there is now only one more chapter to post. It makes me sad. Although! I'm happy to announce I will be writing the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang story after this, but as I have exams coming up I may not post straight away. Anyway, look out for it. In the meantime, however, enjoy this chapter we've all been waiting for. Reviews are loved!_

* * *

The heroic dog Ollie didn't stop for one moment as he climbed over every mountain that challenged him. Through every crack of rock and over gorges that would scare anyone witless, Ollie soldiered on. This ball of fluff was on a mission. A mission to save his beloved owner from the horrible green monster that had captured him.

Whatever it took, Ollie was going to save Jack the only way he knew how. He had to find Owen, Toshiko and Ianto. They'd know what to do.

Eventually he found himself climbing down the final mountainside, landing on a convenient pile of dead leaves. Before him was the Haunted Forest, and somewhere hopefully the others were okay.

Running over logs, branches, through grass and leaves, Ollie never gave up in finding Jack's friends. Eventually the sound of grumbling voices and the smell of coffee led the brave little ball of fluff to his beloved master's companions.

"Oi! Watch where you're putting your hands, you metal pervert!" Owen snapped as Ianto began stuffing straw back into the top of his trousers.

It amused Ollie highly at the comedic benefits the scarecrow brought to the adventure. For the short time he'd been travelling with them, Ollie could tell that even though that each of them seemed to be completely different, in many ways they were all the same, which explained the close bond they had with each other, even though they didn't seem to be aware of it. Because, of course it was up to the dog to notice these things.

Barking at the three companions, Ollie finally got their attention.

Ianto was the first to notice. Ollie really liked Ianto, and the fact that he seemed to make his master happy made him happy also.

"Where'd you come from?"

Ollie tried to communicate with the three, but they didn't appear to understand. Even Toshiko, the smartest person he knew, seemed to be having trouble understanding. She did seem to understand some parts, though, which helped. Not much, but it did help.

"I think he's trying to say that he'll take us to Jack!"

_That's not what I was saying_, Ollie barked. _Do I look like bloody Lassie?_

But it didn't matter, to them they all seemed to believe he was there to take them to Jack, even though he hadn't even gotten to that part yet. He was still trying to explain what had happened so far. Stupid two legged freaks.

Being the intelligent creature that he was, Ollie chose not to argue any further. Instead, he turned away and scampered back in the direction of Gwen's castle, pausing every now and then to make sure the others weren't too far behind him, because everyone knew that two legged creatures were dumb and slow.

It took Ollie longer than he first expected to reach the castle. Once they'd reached the mountains, Owen started having trouble climbing, being unable to properly hold on to anything with his straw-filled hands. He almost fell down off the cliff at one point, and Toshiko's tail was the only thing that kept him from falling – although he almost took her down with him.

"If you don't let go of my tail this second, Owen, we're both going to fall down."

"If I go, I'm bloody well taking someone with me!" Owen snapped back, in a state of panic as he looked down at the seemingly bottomless pit beneath them.

It was then that Ianto grabbed Toshiko and hauled her up, bringing Owen along for the ride as he was still hanging onto her tail with a death grip. Even though technically this was a very dangerous situation to be in, it amused Ollie greatly. Because we all know the good guys never die in a family friendly movie.

Once they'd all managed to get themselves in a safe position, Ollie led them over the next mountain to where Gwen's castle lay. Just when he thought the dangerous part was over, Ollie then reminded himself that Gwen was more dangerous.

"What's that?" Owen asked.

Ianto rolled his eyes, as only he was able.

"That is the Wicked Witches castle, you straw-brained idiot."

"Oi!" Owen snapped. "I am not straw-brained. No brain at all, remember?"

Ianto just smirked, and waited to see how long it took before Owen realised he'd just insulted himself.

"To think, Jack's in that awful place, with Gwen doing who knows what to him," Toshiko added, anxious that the boys not start fighting again. As hot as she found it, they had more important things to be concerned with.

"I hate to think of him in there. We have to get him out," Ianto said, surprised by how much he actually cared about Jack just then… though, it was probably the thought of Gwen making Jack do terrible things with her that caused him to care so much.

*

Jack had been staring out from the balcony for a while now, looking at the guards below. It didn't surprise Jack in the slightest when he realised that the guards had the faces of both Rhys and PC Andy, all repeating Gwen's name as if under a love spell.

He felt the utmost sympathy for them. It stood to reason that she had them under some sort of spell – he'd always wondered just how it was that two seemingly normal, decent blokes could ever be so infatuated with a woman whose idea of comfort were five hundred pound knee-hi boots.

He didn't have time to worry about them, though. The sand in the hourglass was almost up, and he dreaded Gwen's inevitable return. He just hoped she'd put something a little more modest on…

Jack groaned and shook his head. He never thought he would have seen the day that he _wanted_ someone to cover up.

Just at that moment, the final grain of sand fell into the bottom part of the hourglass. The door to the tower was unlocked, and Gwen pranced in, pulling in with her a trolley with a silver set alongside a jug of coffee and a plate that was piled high with the most delectable looking cakes. When the trolley was fully in, she closed the door behind her.

"I figured you might be a little hungry and thirsty, so I brought you some coffee."

Still wearing her black lingerie, unfortunately for his poor, over-exposed senses, she wheeled in the trolley of goodies that she knew Jack would never be able to resist. Setting up a tablecloth over a fold up table she'd brought with her, she began placing each of the goodies onto it for the tea party.

Gwen had made a special trip to the kitchen to lace Jack's cup with Retcon. It was simple really. Jack would drink from the cup, and the only thoughts remaining in his mind would be the ones about her. That way, she could persuade him to give her the magical muse and they'd live happily ever after.

Really, it was the best idea she'd ever come up with. It was foolproof. Nothing could ruin it, it was as unsinkable as the Titanic… She frowned. There was something wrong with that sentence, but for the life of her, she couldn't think what it was. Oh well, no matter.

Reluctantly, Jack pulled over a chair and sat down at the table that was laden with cakes and treats, but he never touched them. Something just wasn't right, this whole situation wasn't right. In fact, it was totally and utterly _wrong._

"One sugar or two?" Gwen asked Jack as she began to pour Jack's coffee.

"Three," Jack replied hesitantly.

Taking the cup that she'd prepared earlier by dissolving the Retcon into it, she added the sugar and set the cup in front of Jack. She then poured her own, placing two sugars in hers. Pulling up another chair, Gwen sat down opposite Jack, posing as sexily as she could. She failed to notice the building nausea in Jack's expression.

"I'm so glad you came," Gwen said, hypnotized by Jack's beauty.

She was so entranced by Jack's masculine features and his beautiful blue-grey eyes, that she never noticed him swap the drinks around. He hadn't seen her do anything untoward to the cup, but damned if he was going to drink anything she gave him. He wasn't _that_ much of an idiot.

Jack smiled back at her.

"Same here," Jack paused to take a sip of his drink, but stopped. "I propose a toast to us."

"Oh, Jack!" Gwen squealed, sounding like a Trekkie fangirl with the hots for William Shatner. "You really shouldn't have!"

He barely resisted rolling his eyes. Oh, didn't he ever know it…

"I'd just like to say how thrilled I am to have met you. I'd have to honestly say I've never met anyone like you in my entire life, and for some reason, I don't think I ever will again."

And with that note, Jack gulped down his entire coffee licking his lips after he'd finished it. Placing the empty cup in front of him, Jack waited eagerly for Gwen to drink hers.

Gwen couldn't believe what she'd just heard, or what she thought she had heard. Jack loved her; she swore that was what he'd just said. She had no clue that he'd really insulted her.

Placing the cup to her full and luscious (read: Botox) lips, that had come in contact with many others before Jack's, she doused her mouth with the Retcon lased coffee.

"Hmm... Tastes a little different, don't you think?" Gwen asked once she'd finished drinking it.

"Tasted fine to me," Jack admitted with a grin.

All of a sudden Gwen began to feel strange as she began to close her eyes.

"I feel so sleepy," Gwen said as the Retcon kicked in. A second later Gwen went face first into the chocolate cake that was lying on the table. What a waste of a perfectly good dark chocolate cake, Jack mused regretfully.

Shrugging, he hurried over to the door, only to find it apparently locked. After pushing desperately on it for a short time, he gave up. Looking down at Coco, Jack spoke to the toy.

"You helped me before, help me now," Jack pleaded, but the toy didn't do anything but look up at him with its black soulful eyes. "Thanks for nothing," Jack grumbled.

*

Outside the castle, Ollie watched the guard clones of Andy and Rhys march around, preventing anything or anyone from entering. It seemed hopeless; there was no way he could save his master now.

"I have a plan to get into there, and you're going to lead us," Owen said to Toshiko, looking surprised that he had a plan at all.

"What! No way, not in a million years," Toshiko replied, frightened.

"It's for Jack, he needs us," Ianto placed his metal hand on her shoulder in support.

Owen snorted.

"Look at the tin boy with no heart, getting all soppy over his lover boy…"

Ianto glared at Owen.

"I'd pour this coffee down your shirt, but one, it would be a waste of good coffee. Two, do you know what wet straw smells like? Toshiko, please…"

"Well... okay... for Jack," she said hesitantly, but that tiny glint of something slowly developed it into something more. "Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I'll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there for Jack. There's only one thing I want you to do."

"What's that?" Owen said raising a suspicious eyebrow.

"Hold my hand," she asked, both blushing and looking scared all at once.

Ollie barked at them, interrupting their moment. There was a time and place and this certainly wasn't it.

Trotting further down the mountainside, Ollie led them closer to the castle where they hopefully wouldn't be seen.

None of them saw three Andy clones sneak up behind them from behind a rock. It was only when Toshiko was startled by a rock tumbling behind them that she saw them, but Owen and Ianto prevented her from speaking when she tried to warn them.

Moments later each of them found themselves fighting on the ground with one of the Andy guards. Rocks went flying, and bits of their uniform were removed from their bodies as one by one Owen, Toshiko and Ianto stripped the Andys of any clothing they had until only their underwear remained.

Using the belts, Owen tied up each of the Andys and gagged them with their socks.

"That should teach you a lesson."

This time it was Ianto's turn for an idea, as the guards were now beginning to leave the outside of the castle and parade over the drawbridge in a single file.

"Come on, follow me."

Now dressed in the guards' uniforms, Ianto quickly walked down off the remaining side of the mountain followed by Owen and Toshiko. Ollie kept hidden behind Toshiko, afraid that the guards might try and attack him again.

As the last guard turned his back to them, Ianto quickly stepped out from behind in and began marching in the line. Owen and Toshiko did the same thing as Ollie trotted carefully keeping out of sight.

Just as they entered Gwen's castle, the drawbridge behind them closed shut. Pressing up against the wall, they waited until the guards turned the next corner and were out of sight.

"Where do we go now?" Toshiko asked Ollie, who barked and began running up a set of stairs leading them to a door.

Of course, typically to add to the already extremely anxious and important moment in the movie, suspenseful music began to play out of nowhere.

"Will you shut up!?" Owen yelled. Honestly, why couldn't they just be left alone, doing what needed to be done without all these damn interruptions?

Thankfully, the higher power listened to Owen and the music stopped, bringing them back to the matter at hand. Ollie was scratching at a large wooden door when they reached the top of the stairs.

"Jack!" Toshiko yelled through the door.

On the other side Jack sighed in relief at the sound of her voice. "I'm in here! I can't get out."

Owen didn't know why, but he pushed at the door, stopping when it squeaked loudly. It was unlocked.

"You idiot, it's open. Don't tell me you were stupid enough to push the door on the other side instead of pull?"

Jack had no comeback for that one, except for rather deflated, "Oh..."

Using the coffee can that Ianto was hiding underneath his guard outfit, he greased the hinges of the door with the precious coffee, so that it would not make a noise and alert the guards.

Jack glanced behind him nervously as Gwen began to stir from her beauty nap.

"Hurry up!" Jack snapped desperately. "The Queen of Carnage is waking up!"

Once the door had been sufficiently greased, Owen opened the door. Thankfully it didn't make a single noise. Jack got out just in time to hear Gwen arise from the table.

"Oooo! Chocolate!" she squealed in an overly high-pitched voice, using her hands to get the chocolate off her face. Once the cake was on her hands she began shovelling it into her mouth as she licked her hands clean.

"Hurry, Jack," Toshiko urged. "We have no time to lose!"

Picking up Ollie off the floor, Jack ran down the stairs towards the main doors of the castle. Just as they reached them they swung shut by themselves.

Above them was Gwen who was giggling like a five year old girl, and still with chocolate smeared all over her face. It really did clash badly with her green complexion.

"Come join my tea party, it's only just started," Gwen said childishly, sounding suspiciously as if somehow she'd reverted back to a child-like state. Jack's jaw dropped as he realised what had happened with the switched drinks, and it made his stomach turn to think that it could have been him running around right then with the mentality of a five year-old.

Then again, he remembered (sort of) what he was like at that age, and he knew what a little terror he'd been. It would have served Gwen right to have to deal with a five year-old Jack Harkness in an adult body, who was prone to kicking and biting – and not in a good way – when he didn't get what he wanted…

"We're trapped like mice," Toshiko said, breaking him out of his reverie. She was right – he couldn't see any route of escape as the many clones of Rhys and Andy that swarmed towards them from every direction.

Gwen couldn't contain her giggling fit.

"You're a bad little boy, Jack. Why don't you come and play?" she squealed. "We can make pillow fortresses!"

"No way, not even if you weren't mentally deficient," Jack replied, keeping Ollie and Coco close to him.

It was then that Coco began glowing with the same blue light Jack had seen earlier. The chandelier above the guards all of a sudden fell down on them, giving Jack and the others enough time to escape down one of the corridors.

"Nooo!" Gwen screamed, and then began sucking her thumb – like she wasn't buck-toothed enough as it was – as she chased after Jack.

Sending her guards after them, Gwen toddled happily down the stairs as the guards rushed down the corridor that they thought Jack and his companions had gone down.

As the last of the guards went past, Owen, Jack, Ianto and Toshiko came out of their hiding place and backtracked. They quickly headed up the stairs in search of a way out.

The guards doubled back as well when they found no sight of Jack. Gwen had a screaming tantrum when the guards unexpectedly turned around and charged in her direction, knocking her off her feet. She'd just managed to get up again, only to be trampled over once more by at least fifty more Rhys and Andys.

Collecting herself from the ground, Gwen shrieked – although it was more of a sulky squeal – at the Andys to go up one set of stairs, while the Rhys clones were ordered to go up the other set.

At the top of the stairs, Jack was opening any door that might provide a means of escape. The only one he found that might have been any use was one of the doors that lead outside to one of the side towers.

Running along the outside path, with Ollie next to him, Jack reached the small tower.

"Where do we go now?" Ianto asked checking back for any sign of Gwen.

"This way, come on!" Owen replied as soon as he saw that the path continued through the tower.

All the while, fresh dramatic music filled the air. Jack skidded to a halt, and glared upwards at whatever nameless entity was responsible for the musical score.

"_That_ is the theme from _Halloween_, you bloody fools. If you've gotta have music, at least get it right!"

Again, the music died away, sounding like a pipe organ that had just had its bellows squashed. Satisfied, Jack resumed his frantic escape efforts.

Just as they reached the door to the castle on the other side, a whole bunch of Andys emerged from the door. On the other side the Rhys began surging down from the other, trapping them inside the small tower.

Gwen appeared in between them all, skipping gleefully in her now somewhat ragged black lingerie. It was the most frightening sight yet.

"That was a very naughty thing to do," Gwen said, waggling her finger at Jack.

"Go to hell, bitch," Jack snapped back.

Gasping, Gwen shook her head in disbelief.

"You said a bad word! You're in big trouble now."

Ollie bravely stepped forward towards the witch, cutely jumping up onto its back legs and letting his tongue flop all over the place.

"Puppy!" Gwen squealed, completely overcome by the sight of Ollie, whose cuteness was absolute – even outshining Ianto. Briefly. It also distracted her for a moment as Jack looked around for any sign of a weapon. But the only thing he could find was a bucket. A bucket filled with Barbeque sauce.

He considered it for all of about two seconds before grabbing the bucket and tipping the contents all over Gwen.

She shrieked fit to die, writhing desperately.

"Aargh! What have you done? I'm melting, melting! What a world, what a world!"

"Oh, for God's sake, shut up," Owen groaned. "You're not bloody melting at all, you stupid old bat."

Gwen blinked, and looked around in surprise.

"You mean… that's not in the script?"

Jack couldn't suppress the grin spreading across his face, which was complimented nicely by the soft, wicked chuckle that came from Ianto beside him. What a pair they made. He couldn't _wait_ until this gorgeous hunk of tin got that heart.

"No… Even better. Oh, so much better."

"Barbeque sauce?" Toshiko asked in confusion, and Jack's grin widened impossibly.

"Helps it identify its food."

"Oh… crap…"

And those were the last words Gwen ever uttered as her trusty broomstick Myfanwy swept in and swallowed her in one gulp.

"That poor thing," Ianto said sadly as the pterodactyl flew away into the sunset. Jack stared at him incredulously.

"What…?"

Ianto wiped away a tear from the corner of his eye.

"Can you imagine the indigestion that poor creature is going to suffer?"

Jack grimaced.

"Just as long as I'm nowhere near it when Gwen comes out the other end." And then, he suddenly realised something. "Oh no… We didn't get the ring! That bloody bird swallowed the wedding ring!"

"Uh… excuse me?"

Jack turned, and blinked as one of the many Rhys clones came forward. Except…

"You're not a clone," Jack realised in shock. "You're the original!"

Rhys smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah, that's right. Gwen was my wife, and we used to be happy, you know? But then she fell in with that witch from the East, and he filled her head with all this rubbish about how important and special she was, and it just changed her. All of a sudden, she thought she was the centre of everyone's universe, and that everyone ought to worship her like she was some sort of goddess. And insatiable! Gawd! In the end, she started cloning me, because I just couldn't keep up with her demands. Especially after she changed colour." He shuddered at the memory, and then went on quickly. "Anyway, bottom line is, you've freed all of us from her spell, and we're really grateful. I heard you mention her wedding ring, and I thought maybe this might do…?"

Jack grinned his best megawatt grin as Rhys handed him his wedding ring.

"They're the same, so you wouldn't know the difference," Rhys explained. "Silly cow thought I should have the same as hers, and she made me buy two women's rings. Never did have any sense, that one. Can't say I'm sorry she's gone."

Jack nodded his thanks, and turned back to his companions, holding the ring up triumphantly.

"C'mon," he enthused. "Let's go get our reward."

_To be continued..._


	8. A Way Home

**A/N: **_At last, the journey is over. There have been happy times, and sad times. Me and my aunty are also proud to announce this story has been awarded a lovely spot in the community "Torchwood Badfics," thanks to the lovely (read: sarcasm) Onomatopoetic. We'd just like to say, screw you and your community. That is all. To the rest of you, thank you for reading. We hope you enjoy this final chapter. =) Enjoy. Also, look out for the next Torchwood parody I'll be writing. It's going to be based on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!_

* * *

Words could not describe how happy Jack was at this current moment in time, no one would be able to ruin his mood now. Not after the most happiest and beautiful moment of his life that had come to pass.

Even now, Jack couldn't believe that Gwen Cooper was dead at long last. And it was well overdue, that was something he knew for sure. No more listening to her irritating voice and he wouldn't have to hide under his desk every time he saw her about to enter his office back in the Hub. But the most important thing of all would probably have to be that she was dead, which meant his life would now be so much better, now that she was gone for good.

Even better, Ianto seemed to be warming to him, even before he'd gotten his promised heart from the wizard. He hadn't missed the valiant way Ianto had come to his defence against the wicked witch, or the way that Ianto kept looking at him as they headed back to the Emerald City. In fact, he was sure he saw Ianto winking at him more than once.

Then again, he supposed that could have just been the dust storm that they'd had to walk through…

Unfortunately, Jack's happiness was cut short as they once again entered the large chamber of the Wizard of Oz. The fire and smoke almost threatened to choke Jack; it was that thick. Really – overkill, much?

"That was quick," that oddly familiar voice said as the face appeared inside the fire and smoke in front of them.

Grabbing the wedding ring out of Ianto's hands, Jack stepped forward, triumphantly holding up the ring to the face in the fire.

"We did what you told us. We've brought you the wedding ring of the wicked witch of the East."

"It wasn't easy, but we managed to kill her," Toshiko fibbed timidly. Of course, they all knew full well that it was really just a fluke that they killed her. Even so, they _had_ killed her, and that thought alone was enough to bring a smile to all of their faces, and peace to their hearts.

Well, all of them except Ianto, who was still waiting to get his.

Owen of course stepped forward next to Jack, speaking eagerly to the fire.

"Now, about that bleach I wanted... Ouch!"

Owen bellowed in annoyance as Jack gave him a good, solid smack over the head.

"What was that for, you bloody ponce?" the scarecrow demanded. Jack glared at him.

"Hello? All-powerful wizard here? Do you _want _to get what you want, or do you want to be stuck in a field forever?"

Owen scowled, but got the hint. Which was a minor miracle in itself, given that he still didn't have a brain. He would later learn that his original brain had been donated to the BBC charity, Children in Need, by the Witch of the East. However, they hadn't been able to use it, so it ended up on a scrap heap somewhere in Northern Wales.

"We'd like you to keep your promise to us, if that's alright with you," Jack asked as politely as his character permitted, all the while snuggling his cheek against Coco in an effort to look adorably disarming. However, his efforts fell flat as the answer he got was not what he wanted to hear.

"Not so fast! You don't rush these sorts of things. They take time, careful thinking and consideration... And frankly, you were just too bloody quick. Should've been gone for a lot longer than you were; not just two chapters' worth. Come back tomorrow. I need more time to think about whether I'm going to grant your requests."

There was a sudden, dramatic pause that lasted for at least five seconds, as per in the script, while Jack and his companions gaped in disbelief at the disembodied head.

"Excuse me? _What_ did you just say?" Jack asked in an icy tone.

"Come back tomorrow," the face in the fire replied, sounding confused and a tad annoyed. "I thought that was pretty clear. Tomorrow. As in the day after today. What part of that didn't you get?"

Ianto strode up to stand beside Jack.

"You've had plenty of time to think things over. If you don't do what you promised right now, God help you, I _will_ come in there and snuff out your fiery backside. If you have one, that is."

Toshiko nodded her head fiercely in agreement, although the ferocity of her nodding was severely diminished by the fact that she was hiding behind Owen at the time. Naturally. She was cowardly, after all. What else did you expect?

"How dare you talk to me like that!" the face thundered, gobsmacked. "You had seriously better not make me angry. I don't take to hostility kindly at all, you impudent little apes."

"Oh, do shut up," Ianto retorted, giving one of his classic eye-rolls that never failed to amuse Jack. The Captain sparkled…

"Hold it!" Jack yelled, glaring upwards at nobody in particular. "This isn't that bloody Twilight bullshit. I do not, nor have I _ever _sparkled. Get that straight, right now."

The harried author cringed, and quickly amended the typeset.

The Captain 'beamed' briefly at Ianto before remembering that he was supposed to be feeling pissed off, and resumed glaring at the big head in the fire.

"Hey, I do not have a big head," the big head complained, but the author was done with being bullied by the characters, and completely ignored him.

In the middle of the bickering between them all, not even Jack noticed as Ollie hopped out of his coat pocket and scurried across the floor of the chamber, scampering cutely towards a green curtain that none of them had noticed. Because, obviously, it was in the script that they weren't meant to see it before now.

Moments later the smart, intelligent and terminally adorable puppy - which Jack had decided that he was definitely going to replace Gwen with when he got back home (because, really, the puppy was far more useful) - pulled the curtain aside with his teeth, revealing a strangely lanky and somewhat hyperactive man behind it, fiddling with gizmos of all sorts.

Owen was the first one to notice the man behind the curtain. Giving Jack a nudge in the ribs that was perhaps a little harder than necessary – then again, his elbow was filled with straw, so Jack barely noticed anyway – all of them finally spotted the odd man.

Unlike the face in the fire, this man appeared young and rather good-looking in a skinny boy in a suit sort of a way. From his rear vantage point, Jack couldn't help but stare in appreciation, only to receive a glare from Ianto. He found it curious that someone with no heart could exhibit jealous tendencies, but who was he to complain? He got the point – no ogling strange backsides.

The man was wearing a brown pinstriped suit, and a pair of converse sneakers that had Ianto cringing. Who in their right mind wore a suit with sneakers?

His hair was a lovely shade of brown. It was a little bit on the messy side… or rather, a lot messy, but the effect was breath-taking.

Jack felt distracted, though, and not necessarily in the way that he preferred. There was something about that particular backside that made Jack think he'd seen it before. Of course, that didn't really mean anything – he'd seen quite a lot of backsides in his time, and after so long it got a bit difficult to distinguish one from the other.

The man turned around which caused Jack's insides to start doing the Macarena and the YMCA at the same time as he recognised the person. It was the Doctor.

Even though the Doctor tried to grab the curtain to cover himself up again, it was too late. Jack was running over to the curtain to yank it aside.

"You!" Jack squealed in a most unmanly way which had Ianto glaring even harder. For a tin man with no heart, he was certainly doing a good job of faking it.

The Doctor backed up against the machine that they'd seen him using, his eyes wide with borderline panic. No one could really blame him – having an enthusiastic Jack Harkness charging at him like a rhino on heat would panic just about anyone. Except, perhaps, Gwen. But then, we really don't want to go there, do we?

There was a microphone near the Doctor. As he spotted it, Jack suddenly realised that the face in the fire had been some sort of a hologram, and nothing more.

"I'm sorry," the Doctor apologised, eyeing Jack warily. "I've got a bit of a complex life. Nothing really happens to me in quite the right order and it gets a bit confusing at times. You are?"

"Captain Jack Harkness," Jack replied with a despondent sigh. One of these days, he was going to get the sort of greeting from the Doctor that he'd always wanted, but it seemed that it wouldn't be today.

Cue the sympathetic "aw" from the audience.

"Hello, Jack, I'm the great and powerful Wizard of Oz. But you can call me the Doctor."

Stepping away from the machine, the Doctor pushed his way through the others.

"You're a very bad man," Toshiko said wagging her tail in the Doctor's face.

"It depends on your perspective," the Doctor replied vaguely.

Jack didn't seem to care enough anymore to ask what he meant, but Owen did.

"Look, what about the heart you promised Junkyard here, and the courage for Toshiko? And when will I get my bleach, let alone my brain!?"

The Doctor gave one of those smug smiles that Jack had seen on more than a few occasions.

"Anybody can have a brain, but that doesn't mean they need one. Every single creature that crawls in this universe or swims through the slimy seas has a brain."

"Even Gwen?" Ianto asked curiously. It was a fair question after all, if somewhat imponderable… much like asking which came first – the chicken or the egg.

"There are exceptions to every rule," the Doctor conceded after a long, thoughtful pause. Returning to the machine, the Doctor pulled out a few scrolls, chucking away what he didn't need until he was left with one.

"Back where I come from, everyone that has a brain has some form of diploma. So, by the authority vested in me I am happy to confer upon you with the honorary degree of Th.D."

Owen swiped the scroll out of the Doctor's hands and began reading it.

"What does Th.D stand for?"

"Thinking Disorder, of course," the Doctor replied matter-of-factly. "What did you think it mean? Doctor of Thinkology? I'm the only Doctor here, straw boy, and don't you forget it."

Owen dropped the diploma in disgust.

"I _knew_ this was a waste of time. But at least I still get my bleach, right?" Owen asked. He never got an answer, which pretty much told him what he needed to know.

Turning to Toshiko, the Doctor walked across the chamber and picked up a small black bag and began to rummage through it.

"As for you, my dear… Because you run away from danger, you confuse being a coward to being wise. I should know, I do it all the time. Running is good, believe me. But I have to say this. Anyone who has the nerve to face up to the Wicked Witch of the West must have some ounce of courage. So therefore, I hereby give you this, the medal of conspicuous bravery against wicked bitches."

And no, that was not a typo. However, we, the authors, do solemnly apologise for offending any sensitive eyes with our harsh description. Ding dong, the bitch is dead.

Suck it up, you know you love it. Moving on, now.

After the bag almost swallowed up the Doctor's arm, he pulled out an extremely large medal with _courage_ printed across it.

Toshiko was more than happy to accept the medal.

"Wow. Thanks!"

"Now, for you," the Doctor said as he began searching through the bag again, and eventually pulling out a heart with a clock in it. "You want a heart, but you have no idea how lucky you are not to have one. I'd do anything not to have a heart, especially after Rose..."

Jack felt sorry for the Doctor, but nobody noticed, because this was not his moment. It was Ianto's.

"Are you sure you want one?" the Doctor asked, finally snapping out of his reverie.

Ianto took a very subtle glance at Jack, that naturally everyone in the room noticed.

"Yes, please."

"In that case, this is for you. And remember that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."

"Told you," Jack said with a cheeky grin, and couldn't help but grab Ianto's arse playfully.

Ianto couldn't help but giggle at this; obviously his new heart was already taking into effect even though he hadn't actually taken it out of the Doctor's hand yet.

As soon as he did, Ianto began to study it and the mysterious ticking noise inside of it seemed to fascinate him.

"Oh! It ticks!"

Owen was obviously still in a bad mood. "No shit, Sherlock."

Ignoring Owen's crabbiness – it was probably just that time of the month – Ianto decided to properly test his new heart out, and he wheeled around, grabbed Jack by the braces and hauled him in for a massive snog. When they finally parted, Ianto knew his heart was working properly, because it was beating at a mile a minute. Or rather, ticking, at least.

"Look at my medal Jack. It says 'Courage'," Toshiko stated, nudging Ianto quite firmly out of the way so that she could proudly flash her pride and joy in Jack's face.

We mean her _medal_, you sick-minded people. Her _medal_.

Sadly though, Jack was still waiting for the Doctor to give him something.

Really, you people need help. We mean, waiting to be given a way _home_. Seriously, you people…

He was waiting to be told how to get _**home**_, but no suggestions were forthcoming.

"There's nothing in that black bag for me, is there?" Jack mumbled disconsolately, using Coco to wipe up his teary eyes. Ianto felt his new heart breaking in response to Jack's sadness, and immediately went to his side to offer comfort, which Jack eagerly accepted… along with the chance of a quick grope now that Ianto was no longer rejecting his advances.

There was a look on the Doctor's face, however, that made Jack think he was up to something.

"You underestimate me, Jack. The only way to get back to Cardiff is for me to take you myself."

Jack gave the Doctor a big hug much to Ianto's annoyance, squeezing him until the Doctor began to wheeze in pain in his grip. This was the best news he'd heard in ages.

"Respiratory bypass system about to fail," the Doctor managed to croak out in between gasps of air before Jack let go.

"How do you plan on getting him home?" Toshiko asked curiously. "I've never heard of this Cardiff place before. It sounds an awfully far away."

"Oh, I have my ways." The Doctor flashed (don't even go there, people) a reassuring smile as he dug his hands into those impossibly deep pockets of his. "I was travelling for a while, but my ship crashed here in this parallel universe. I found myself instantly acclaimed Oz, the first and wonderful wizard. I figured I would try and help rid these poor people of Gwen while I was here before trying to return to my own universe."

"You wouldn't have done it if it weren't for us," Jack pointed out conceitedly, raising an eyebrow in a poor attempt to imitate Ianto. The Doctor was incensed.

"I would have done, but I've been too busy repairing my ship."

Owen mumbled incoherently under his breath, clearly not amused. Jack, however, couldn't help but smile as he realised he was finally going home.

*

Hundreds upon hundreds of citizens of Oz gathered around as the Doctor's ship, which, strangely enough, resembled a blue police box, was place in the middle of the square. Jack had to fight his way through the crowd to get to it, making sure Ollie stayed tucked away safely in his coat pocket, and that the magical muse wasn't taken by the crowd. Ianto, Owen and Toshiko followed close behind.

The Doctor pulled out a key from his pocket and pushed it into the keyhole of the TARDIS, displaying the impossibly huge inside to be shown to all that looked.

"It's bigger on the inside!" Owen exclaimed as he circled the square ship.

"You really _do_ have a brain," Toshiko retorted at Owen.

The others all stayed outside the ship in awe as Jack bounded enthusiastically inside. The Doctor began fiddling with buttons and levers on the central control column until it began moving up and down slowly.

"Time to say your goodbyes, Jack."

"Okay." Jack went back outside the TARDIS to see Ianto crying hysterically. "What's the matter, my beautiful tin boy?"

"I. Don't. Want. You. To. go."

Each word seemed to be separated by a flood of tears. This was beginning to get too much for Jack to handle. As attracted as he was to the new and shiny, he knew he had a very special and very much warm and snugly Welshman to go home to. One by one, he gave each of them a big hug goodbye, especially Ianto, whom he also favoured with an affectionate squeeze of his tin plated bum.

"I'll miss you guys," Jack admitted.

He backed into the TARDIS and up to the consol where the Doctor was standing.

"I'm ready."

With a smile, the Doctor pressed one button and almost immediately the ancient time ship began to fade in and out of existence as the light on top of the police box began to flash.

"Allons-y!"

What happened in the next few seconds caused Jack's heart to beat ten times faster than usual.

Ollie leapt out of Jack's pocket and bounced cutely out of the still-open door of the TARDIS, frightened by the grinding sound of the alien vehicle's engines. Unable to bear being without his adorable little bundle of fluffy cuteness, Jack raced after Ollie even as the TARDIS began to fade out of existence.

Jack whirled around when he realised with horror what he'd done.

"Come back! Please don't leave without me," he yelled out as he tried to enter the TARDIS again, only to pass right through it.

"I can't! Sorry Jack, goodbye!"

And with those final notes the TARDIS disappeared once and for all, leaving Jack standing motionless after picking his dog off the ground.

"Thanks a lot," Jack pouted at Ollie, although he just couldn't stay mad for long. Sighing, Jack looked around. Everyone seemed stunned by the magic they had just witnessed. He guessed people even here were amazed by sight of the TARDIS dematerializing. "Now I'll never get home..."

Big tears welled up in his eyes as he tried to come to terms with being stuck permanently in Oz.

"Stay with us then, Jack," Toshiko said, using her tail to wipe up Jack's tears. "We all love you, especially Ianto. We don't want you to go."

"That's very kind of you, Toshiko, but this place could never be like Cardiff," Jack said. That was an understatement, if ever there was one.

Even as his friends tried to comfort him, though a magical humming noise began to fill the air, causing everyone to look upwards. As soon as Jack saw the gigantic bubble floating down from the sky, he knew instantly who it was.

Donna.

When the bubble reached the ground somewhere in the crowd, it got bigger and brighter until it finally revealed Donna.

"Thank you, thank you," Donna bowed to her audience as she waved her wand majestically in the air.

She made her way towards Jack, and naturally, the crowd parted for her as she walked through. They all knew damn well that if they didn't get out of her way, she would just whack them with her wand. When she reached Jack, he found himself sighing in relief.

"Will you help me? Can you help me? For the love of god, tell me you can help me."

Giving a warm smile, Donna spoke up at last.

"You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Cardiff."

What came next is what scriptwriters would call a dramatic pause, because that's exactly what occurred. Jack stood silently, staring at Donna for ages before finally speaking. Slowly.

"Excuse me?"

"If he had the power all along, why didn't you tell him before?" Owen asked.

Donna just laughed this off, and Jack felt himself simmering with a slowly growing rage. Oh, she was in for it. He was already clenching his free hand open and shut, preparing for a punch any second now, while the other held onto the magical muse, contemplating if he should throw it at her.

"Because he never would have believed me."

That was it.

"Are you out of your fucking mind!?" Jack yelled at Donna. "You floated down in a big bubble right after I landed in a town surrounded by Weevils. I would've believed anything you said."

"Oi!" Donna snapped back. "Don't even think about getting mouthy with me, fly boy."

"Too late, you… you _witch_! Now tell me how to get home this very instant."

This time Donna realised how serious Jack was, and decided that perhaps for her own wellbeing, she should just let what he said pass. That time.

"It's simple. Just clap the magical muse's hands."

"Clap its hands!?" Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing as he lifted up the stupid soft toy to her face. "I'm this close to punching you in the face. Okay, so I clap its hands, then what? It better be _a lot _more complicated than that, otherwise you're going to wish you had never been born."

Donna smacked her wand over Jack's head. Accidentally, of course. Not.

"Of course it's a lot more complicated than that, you dumbo. You have to clap its hands, and say 'there's no place like home, and you must do it at the same time."

At this, Donna began waving the wand magically over Jack's head in a circular, slightly hypnotic and yet completely pointless motion.

She never expected Jack to snatch the wand out of her hands before placing it over his knee and snapping it in two, throwing away the pieces into the crowd.

"Are you telling me I could have been home two seconds after I got here!?"

Donna nodded hesitantly.

"You psycho glitter bitch!"

It never occurred to Ianto, Owen and Toshiko to do anything except stand back and watch as Jack lunged towards Donna and began strangling her. Then the bitch fight began in earnest. Really, it had always been going to happen. All of that pink was just too much for the both of them.

Jack managed to slam Coco into Donna's face. She fought back by kicking him in the shins, causing him to bellow in pain, which gave Donna enough time to get away from the out of control Captain.

"I was only trying to teach you a lesson, you dumbo!"

Donna's hair was in an absolute shambles, not to mention her dress which now resembled a pink princess Barbie doll.

Jack panted heavily. Toshiko could have sworn that a storm cloud had circled above his head.

"Teach me a lesson? Who do you think you are, my mother?"

"Oi!" Donna growled.

"Oi!" Jack yelled back at her, unable to resist the strange desire to mock her choice of expletive.

"Oi!"

"Oi!"

"Oi!"

"Oi!"

"Oi!"

"Oi!"

"Oi!"

"Oi!"

"Oi, you two, knock it off!" Owen bellowed, deciding it was time to intervene before it got really nasty. Jack scowled menacingly at Donna.

"You'll be hearing from my lawyer when I get home, cotton candy!"

Jack held Coco in front of him, extremely pissed off. Closing his eyes, he began clapping the soft toy's hand together.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home…"

Suddenly, Jack found himself getting tired and eventually losing all sense of time and place…

*

"He's waking up!"

Immediately Owen and Toshiko turned their attention away from their work stations and rushed over to Ianto, who had Jack cradled in his arms.

Jack had trouble opening his eyes as he slowly regained consciousness, but when he did, he couldn't suppress the relief he felt. The dull interior of the Hub had never looked so good.

"I'm home!" Jack croaked out finally.

"Well, where else did you expect to be, Kansas?" Owen remarked sarcastically.

It took a while for to Jack think of anything to say.

"Yeah… well… Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore, it turns out you're in Cardiff instead."

Blank looks were had all round.

"What?" Toshiko asked finally, but Jack shook his head.

"Never mind. Just tell me how long have I been gone for?"

Owen and Toshiko exchanged confused glances, and Ianto finally answered.

"You were involved in an accident Jack. Somehow you lost control of the SUV and crashed. You were still dead when Toshiko and Owen finally got to you. Your body was badly damaged, and it's taken you some time to come back."

"But that's impossible!" Jack exclaimed. "I was taken by the Rift. You two were there, Owen, and Toshiko. And _you_ as well," he said to Ianto, before groaning and clutching his head in pain. He had the worst headache.

Toshiko went back to the centre of the Hub and began typing something into one of the computers.

"There's been no sign of Rift activity since the alien that came through last night."

"Are you telling me that it was that it was all just some _very_ strange Judy Garland dream…?"

As his three friends exchanged baffled looks, Jack realised that there was something missing. Well, not _something_; it was more like a certain _someone_; a certain someone who strangely wasn't hovering over him, begging to know if he was alright and how she could comfort him. And was it so wrong that he was relieved by that…?

"Where's Gwen?"

From the awkward silence and the serious exchange of looks between the three Torchwood employees, he guessed that something was definitely wrong.

"Jack," Ianto said, sounding as though he was choosing his words carefully. "There's been an accident. You remember how Gwen and I were facing off against that alien last night? Well, the alien sneezed on her and she sort of… well… melted."

Wait. Did he just hear Ianto right? Gwen Cooper, the only person he knew who believed she could handle any situation because of competent police training and her oh so sympathetic heart, had been liquefied by an alien. No words could describe how he felt right now. Actually, there was. He was thrilled.

And by the grins that were slowly creeping onto Owen's, Toshiko's and Ianto's faces, he could tell they were, too.

"We were able to scoop up as much of her as we could. I'm afraid this is all that was left."

Owen revealed an extremely large jar that was filled all the way to the top with a green liquid. It was the most beautiful thing Jack had seen for a long time. Well, at least since the last time he'd seen Ianto naked.

"Put it on my desk," Jack said. He was definitely keeping that jar of Gwen in his office as a reminder not to hire anymore bleeding heart idiots.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a strange yapping noise filled the Hub.

"What's that?" Toshiko asked, looking for the source of the noise.

At that moment, a small, sooty coloured, devastatingly cute puppy trotted towards them from its hiding spot, and began playing with Jack's shoes.

"Where the hell did that come from?" Ianto asked incredulously, whilst wondering whether he would be expected to clean up after it.

Picking up the dog, Jack examined it and immediately recognised the dog by its green eyes and overly long tongue. He never, _ever_ forgot a tongue. It was Ollie.

"Nowhere," Jack replied innocently as he settled the cute little bundle of fluff onto his lap.

Today was a day that Jack would _never_ forget. Looking at Ianto, he spoke the words he'd been waiting to say for a long time. Relatively speaking, chapter-wise.

"Ianto Jones, there really is no place like home."

_fin. _


End file.
